Vacation Hard!: Part 4 - Everywhere I go, there's weather......whether or not the weather is fair there......never.

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

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If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.

Larry and I drive to Harlingen from San Antonio, picking up conversation about many things most people would find tedious and boring, but our level of enthusiasm is both awesome and totally nerdy so you'd probably get a kick out of it if only to tease me later. I miss my Dad and his straight ahead way of making a point, but like I said before: the man lives to fuck with me. And that, dear Reader, is why I kick it in Oregon.

That and the Texas heat. I mean, seriously. I was on fucking fire.

The four and a half hour drive went quickly because Larry was telling his "airplane stories". Since I was old enough to hear them (about 15 by his standards) he's been telling me these stories about his some 7000 hours of flight time in the Navy. Apparently you can get into all kinds of shit when you spend that much time in military aircraft. I've been asked not to recount any of what he did until he's dead (some of this shit makes you chew your nails and wonder how the hell we ever made it though the Cold War without a nuclear holocaust), but I can say that if you've never heard a grown man tell you how he won a farting contest in the cockpit of an airplane with 2 other grown men by eating pickled eggs and boiled hot dogs, then you have not lost control of a major sphincter because you were laughing so hard that you had to think about breathing before you could think about not shitting yourself.

Anyway, I made it to Harlingen with clean underpants (this time) and had a quick dinner that my step Mom, Irma, had ready for us when we arrived. I swear I feel like a king when I go home to Texas. The people are so different: ready to make you feel at home and pump you full of food and drink until you wonder if your colon can really handle another pound of beef (the answer is yes). I wander off to my nice, comfy guest bed and sleep at night for the first time in probably 2 years or so. I felt rested and much less cranky and now know why I don't really have a social life. I'm kind of a dick unless I sleep at night, and since I work at night........well, it's safe to say that's a lot of dick.

Dad and I spend a little time out in the back yard, having coffee and talking. It rained the night before after something like 65 days of not raining. This is only pertinent to me because I just left a place where it's uncommon for it to go 10 days with no rain, so I get sick of overcast skies and come to the dry south Texas wasteland in anticipation of clear skies........and yeah......tough shit. Oh yeah! Remember that time I went to live in Brazil for 4 months back in late 2004 and it freakin' SNOWED in south Texas for the first time in 100 freakin' years?! So not only do I miss all the cool ass shit that happens, but Mother Nature and the people on the Weather Channel be plottin' on me. You think I'm kidding, Reader? Just wait.......

On the next episode of Vacation Hard!: It's getting hot in here! So take off all your cloth---NO DAN!! You're in public!

"JUSTCOMEGETMEGODDAMNIT!!"