Dan's Blog Episode 2: Getting old with vanity

Friday, July 13, 2007
Larry is a very vain individual. Reminicent of the 'Greaser' mentality, he always carries a little comb in his back pocket to fix his hair (not thinning, long in front, short in back).


On his 55th birthday, this man produced his first gray hair.
"Shit," he says (cause he's a potty mouth), running that comb through his hair.
"What?" I ask.
"I guess we're going to Denny's"
"I thought we were eating tacos this moring,"
"Forget that. I actually pass for old now. I can get one of those senior specials and pay way less."
"But it's your birthday," I say, chastising my Dad's frugality. "I'm paying."
"Boy, I swear that South Texas education fucked up your common sense. Well, pay for my breakfast then. I want tacos."
I got out of the shower 20 minutes ago (please hold your applause and visuals until the end of the story) and I've got enough gray hair to make my 59 y/o Dad look 25 again. I got off the phone with him 5 min ago and he was at Denny's....looking at a menu....with his new bi-focals.
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa*hack*HaHaHaHaHa*coughcough*stupidcat.
And everyone can just forget that I've got more gray in my beard than Larry has on his whole head and I wear coke bottles. Let me have my tiny victories, OK.
somebody get me a taco.

Dan's Blog Episode 1: I'm a Frickin' Genius!

I'm going to invent a drug called "Head Spank" (gitchoheadritopril). It's going to be a mood stabilizing antidepressant that also cures bi-polar schitzoaffective disorders, alzheimers, gout, and male pattern baldness. Oh, and diarrhea, cause people get confused when they have diarrhea.....you think you can get away with a fart, but you shat yourself and ruined a good pair of scrub pants that actually had to be thrown away....not that it happened.....I'm just saying....you have to be careful with that sort of thing.
Also on the market will be my new super water drink called "H2O'right!". 20 ounces of this water will be the equvilant of actually drinking 2 liters of water, having 2 cups of coffee, 4 cigarettes, 0.5mg of Xanax, and a bar of quality chocolate. You will buy them in packs of 6 and only one bottle is the "special" bottle which also contains enough endorphins to simulate a very intense orgasm. So you totally couldn't drink all the bottles at once to try to get to the special bottle cause you would totally go into congestive heart failure and die......it's a suprise every time!! People would love me and praise me all the days. And I would be ballin' rich so I would also have to invent a hoochie repelant spray, but that's a whole other thing....
Don't steal my ideas you buncha punk asses.
-Dan