First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
After being dropped off at the airport, getting checked in and passing through TSA, I get to my gate and begin waiting. Waiting at the gate to board your plane can be pretty interesting because you can spy on the people you're going to be traveling with before you board, getting to know who you may or may not have to kill on the airplane. It's pretty early, so nobody's talking like usual, but what they do is look around to assess the fellow traveler situation. This is never good for me because I'm a very large man. Tall and wide. To give you a general idea, not a single player in the NFL weighs as much as I do (I outweigh the heaviest listed by about 15lbs.) and I can only stand up competely straight in a 747 or larger aircraft. Needless to say, it sucks to sit next to me and it's quite a source of shame. I try to make myself as accomadating as possible, but it's not easy. Asking me not to invade your space in a sardine can like airplane seat is like asking a man with the worst case of food poisoning ever to stop shitting. So some of these people, sensing the seriousness of my girth, took to lashing out in my general direction with variations of stink eye.
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
After being dropped off at the airport, getting checked in and passing through TSA, I get to my gate and begin waiting. Waiting at the gate to board your plane can be pretty interesting because you can spy on the people you're going to be traveling with before you board, getting to know who you may or may not have to kill on the airplane. It's pretty early, so nobody's talking like usual, but what they do is look around to assess the fellow traveler situation. This is never good for me because I'm a very large man. Tall and wide. To give you a general idea, not a single player in the NFL weighs as much as I do (I outweigh the heaviest listed by about 15lbs.) and I can only stand up competely straight in a 747 or larger aircraft. Needless to say, it sucks to sit next to me and it's quite a source of shame. I try to make myself as accomadating as possible, but it's not easy. Asking me not to invade your space in a sardine can like airplane seat is like asking a man with the worst case of food poisoning ever to stop shitting. So some of these people, sensing the seriousness of my girth, took to lashing out in my general direction with variations of stink eye.
Fortuately, I had purchased the Southwest "Early Bird" boarding pass, which allowed me to be among the first to board thus ensuring I'd have enough time to get settled before people started cramming up the airplane. Southwest has the policy to allow passengers to choose their own seats which is both a blessing and a curse, because toward the end of the boarding process you'll inevitably have a family with small children who did not board right away (even the Early Bird people can't board before parents with small children and the disabled) and now they can't sit together and the flight attendants will ask that people start giving up seats. They will not allow the plane to leave until several good samaratans, in a fit of kindness (or impatience) get up and move for these people. Well, my fat ass wasn't getting up, because I almost had my seat belt on. Yes, I'm one of those sorry assholes who needs a belt extender becasue I miss being able to buckle my airplane seat belt by like this ________ much, depending on the size of your computer screen. Because of this I refuse to eat anything on the flight, but really it's mostly because I can't lower the tray table down all the way because my knees are pressed up against the seat in front of me. God forbid the person in that seat wants to recline it at all. I had a guy once who slamed his back repeatedly into the seat thinking it was stuck and then looked at me with an "eat shit" look when I asked him to stop.
People would pass me in the isle and the looks I got were either in disbelief or disgust. And it's funny to me because they'd look at the empty seat next to me and then up at me and I could read them like an open book because I chose to look each one of them in the face like an open challange to "sit here and lick my elbows". I was the last person anyone on that flight sat next to. I completely understand why, but it still kinda hurts to know that I was the one that sucked the most out of a couple hundred people, but I still have nothing to blame but my intense love for ice cream and otherwise awesome genetics.
Finally, a woman made her way into my row to sit next to me. "Hi," I said. "Grunt," she replied and glared at me as if she was trying to make me burst into flames with the power of her mind. She plopped down into the seat with a look of obvious defeat. Turns out she's a nurse too and we talked shop for a while until I had to answer "the question": "No, I'm an LVN" being the answer. After that the conversation died down considerably, which was fine with me because she just wanted to talk about how allergic she was to everything and how badly the hospital she worked at had been treating her. Gosh lady, it must really suck to have a degree and a hospital job in a down economy.
I catch my connecting flight in Denver and board a plane with about 20 vacant seats, so this time I had a whole row to myself, but somehow still suffered a few disparaging looks from passer-bys in the isle. Why people be hatin' on big folks? You know I can literally throw you little shitheads, right?
Next time on Vacation Hard!: Ex-traneous.....Ex-acerbating..........Ex-plosive!!
"........This is the story of The Journey to Find The Bunny's Car.........Day 1......"
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