Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
Part 1:
Nothing ever goes as planned on vacation. EVER. Overestimated possibility for fun and recreation. Underestimated financial cost and potential for physical and/or emotional injury. This is the tale of my super-duper awesome vacation. All events depicted herein are mostly true, except for the parts where I'm having fun. Also I didn't change any body's names cause they're all guilty as shit.
Ellie & The Plan
I love Ellie. She's my travel agent. That's right, I said travel agent.....who's your travel agent? Captain Kirk? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Ellie is a serious travel pimp. She won't even talk to me about places she's never been, unlike most travel agents who'll blow sunshine up your ass about cruises and third world countries they've never been to. Ellie's been on a real vacation in nearly every major US and European city. Who goes to Buffalo, N.Y. on vacation? Travel pimps, that's who.
She handled the details of my slightly complicated travel plans with pimp like smoothness: multi-destination flights for me, round trip flight for my folks, hotel stay in D.C., and a two day D.C. tour, not to mention fielding all my stupid questions, which is a feat in itself:
Dan: "Thank you so much for getting all this taken care of, Ellie. I think next year I want to go on a trip to Japan."
Ellie: "That's nice"
Dan: "Aren't you going to tell me about your package to Japan?"
Ellie: "I don't have one and I really don't think you should go there."
Dan: "Why not?!"
Ellie: "Daniel.......they've had a nuclear reactor explode very near most of the hot tourist destinations and something like five major earthquakes in the last six months. I'd hold off for a couple of years."
Dan: "But Pat Robertson hasn't said anything about them making deals with the devil, so it would totally be ok for me to visit, right?"
Ellie: "I don't recommend you go to Haiti either."
Dan: "I guess I'll just have to stick with Guatemala and Southern Mexico."
Ellie: "Why do you want to die so badly?"
Dan: "For kick ass pictures, of course."
Ellie: "Let me tell you about traveler's insurance........."
Vacation: Day 1
Getting all your crap ready for travel can be a daunting task if you let it be. Personally, for this trip, I didn't even buy my luggage until the day before I left and packed everything in about a half an hour because I'm not a fancy lady. Initially I had planned on carrying everything on the plane so things would go more smoothly, but in reading the TSA's short novel of compiled lists of shit you can't bring on an airplane, "Camera Tripod" was one of those things that was on the fence, so I decided that I'd be checking it, knowing full well that it'd be a miracle if it or anything in that bag even functioned when it came back into my possession (IF it came back into my possession).
I went to bed early so I could wake up around 0330 for a flight that didn't leave until after 0700. I do this because I'm paranoid about my ride to the airport. This is why I rarely enlist the help of friends to get me to the airport on time, because why should they have to suffer my horrible attitude and timeliness issues? I can yell at a shitty cab driver, though.
The cabbie shows up 10 whole minutes early and calls me: "Uh, so you're cab is here. I been sitting out here for like 5 minutes." Calm and ever polite I say "Oh, thank you. I'll be right out." - but really I won't because......I mean......mind your tone, asshole. So I did what my mother often referred to as "dilly-dally". I triple checked some things and went pee, even though I didn't really need to go, just so I could make that shit can wait a little longer. Then I go out and get loaded up and hop in the front seat and find the real source of his irritation: "Who goes to the airport at four in the fucking morning, dude?"
My normal response here would be, "Your Mom", but I was more concerned with making sure I got where I needed to go on time and that all depended on Mr. Tudy-Pants cab driver, and I know how crafty some of these fuckers can be about getting you anywhere in a timely manner, so I just kept my trap shut and gave him a look that said either, "If I wanted to go to your Mom's vagina at four in the morning, you're gonna take me, cause I'm paying you, dicklicker," or "I have a large fecal mass occupying the majority of my lower intestine and if we don't get the FUCK ON OUT, I'm going to evacuate it inside of your cab."
And that seemed to get things moving.
On the next episode of Vacation Hard!: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!
".......sit here and lick my elbows."
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