Super Quiz #1: Sex & Relationships

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Super Quiz #1: Sex & Relationships

1. How often do you masturbate?
   a. Once or twice a month. I just don't have time for more than that.
   b. 5-8 times a month. I got a lot of stress to rub out!
   c. 4 or more times a week. It's like an extra mini workout!
   d. (Lie) I NEVER!! (Applies to women only)

2. Women – how often do you have sex with your significant other? (Blowies and Handies don't count)
   a. 6-8 times a week. We're Catholic newly weds!!
   b. 2-4 times a week. My significant other is still (sort of) sexy!
   c. 2-3 times a month. Just so they'll stop whining (plus my side action keeps me busy).
   d. Sex? What for? Asshole is lucky I even come home after work.
3. Men – how often do you have sex with your significant other?
   a. (Lie) I get that shit whenever I want it! If not I get it somewhere else!
   b. (Lie) 3-5 times a week.......yup......can't live without this good lovin'.
   c. (Lie) I give it up like 3 times a month so I can keep banging my side action without any snooping.
   d. Sex? What for? I have to have 3 (preferred alcoholic beverages) just to be able to have a conversation.
4. How many loving, meaningful relationships have you had?
   a. I love them all, just as long as they're paying my bills
   b. < 5. I found my love early in life and we've been togeth – BLAH, blah, blah. I'm fucking thrilled for you.
   c. > 5. I haven't found “The One”, but I believe in my heart they're out there waiting for me (awwwwww.....BARF).
   d. *sniff, sniff*.........I've never been loved!! Why won't anyone love me?! - (It's probably the smell) - What smell?! - (I dunno, Peppy. Just paint yourself up like a cat and keep trying.) - Huh?
5. How do you handle passing gas around your significant other?
   a. Just let it out. They're used to it.
   b. Distance self 10-20 feet from loved one, fart, crop dust, wait 30 seconds and then return to loved one.
   c. Go to the bathroom and run the faucet and hope no one hears you because your ass sounds like a trumpet.
   d. Forced Dutch Oven.
6. How do you express your love to your significant other?
   a. Flowers, candy, massage and all that fancy bullshit.
   b. Oral sex
   c. Electrified Cattle Prod (Roger and Laura only)
   d. Restraining Order
7. How many sexual positions have you tried with your significant other?
   a. One or two. Sex is for procreation, not recreation / I'm too old for that pretzel sex crap!
   b. 3-5. He/She needs variety during sex.
   c. > 6. We're into yoga and pilates and sex is a natural forum to express your inner – (Oh my goodness!! Your aura.....it's so beautiful!) - Oh, my! Thank you! You really think so? - (No. Just shut your hippie face and go cleanse your chi or stroke your chakras or whatever. And by the way, “Tantric Sex” isn't really sex.) - ASSHOLE!!
   d. > 15. Kama Sutra professional meets gymnast meets nymphomaniac meets meth addict.
8. What is the best way to spend time with your significant other?
   a. Them on one side of the room, me on the other.
   b. Out to dinner and a movie then straight to bed for missionary sex – (Ok. Let me be the first to welcome you to the 21^st century where we do it doggie at least once in a while. Jeez.)
   c. Running from the law.
   d. Sparring partners at the gym. That way I can beat the shit out of them without hearing the authorities prattle on about “domestic abuse”. So annoying.
9. Complete the following sentence: I love it when my significant other________
   a. Goes down on me. Hey, I did the dishes and vacuumed. I got it coming.
   b. Showers/Bathes with me. That way I can wash all the crevasses they never seem to clean.
   c. Talks dirty to me.
   d. Does thoughtful things like brings me flowers and rubs my feet – (Yeah, yeah. You're loved. We get it. But you really should know they only do that crap so they can get head later.)
   THE END?