Behaviors@Baseline: Guamgolia

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Guamgolia

Long, long ago in a land far, far away......
Buh ba, bah bah bah BAAA ba, buh ba ba BAAA ba, buh buh ba baaaaa – for the musically impaired, that was totally the theme to Star Wars. What are you, tone deaf?

So anyway......in retrospect, it really was valid question: just what the hell was I looking at? I still don't really remember; sometimes I zone out and stare at and think of nothing. I find it restful to shut your mind off to the world and zone out for a few seconds. But this guy, this burly, mean, lice infested fro-havin' neandrathal motherfucker (seriously, sloped brow, big dangly knuckles, all that) just had to know what I was looking at. Now, I'm not saying I was looking at an area in close proximity to his girlfriend's ass or anything, but he mentioned it. I also don't fully recall my reply, but it started by me asking why he cared and ended with what he did with his sister was none of my business and then something about retarded children.

It was at that point that I realized I am a very needy person. I need my glasses to see and I need my teeth to chew things. Now, I can take an ass whuppin' pretty good, but in these two respects, I'm just a big titty baby. Then Larry got me these bad ass metal BCG* frames that I could bend and tie in knots without breaking, which really frustrated some of my repeat offending bullies.

This was the first of a series of ass whuppins I endured in junior high and high school while living on Guam, a little island in the middle of the Pacific. Larry was stationed there a couple of times; it's beautiful and everything, just not so much for white military kids. Because of all my pity party sob stories about the place, my buddy Jereme called it 'Guamgolia', an insightful combination of Guam and Mongolia. I say insightful because the most infamous barbarians in history are from Mongolia, and that's about what I thought after I caught that beating from Neandrafro and Sergeant Cave Hag (who apparently hated white people - I know because she repeatedly told me so at the top of her lungs). I guess my smart mouth had it coming. I won some (mostly cause I'm sneaky) and lost some against some of those assbag bullies, but I have to look back at that and laugh a little.

I laugh because if it wasn't for what happened there, I'd be weak. Bullies wait around every corner, ready to snatch anything you've got, be it pride, dignity, lunch money, or taxes. Yeah, it sucked at the time, but it's the hard knocks that make you who you are. And I like who I are......you know.....minus a few pounds. Plus I got to punch a bully every now and then. You may get your ass handed to you, but you gotta love to see the look on their faces when they realize you're gonna take some of their teeth out for 'em on the way down.

*BCG: Birth Control Glasses. Pretty much every frame I had until I could pay for them myself virtually ensured I wouldn't get laid. Not that I had enough testosterone to get my little thingy up anyway. And the zits and braces didn't help either.......you know what.......just forget I said anything.

Check this out, just in case you were thinking of letting your honky children go to school on a pacific island. After the first couple of times, I just skipped school that day:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kill_Haole_Day