Sunday, July 24, 2011

Guamgolia

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.



Guamgolia

Long, long ago in a land far, far away......
Buh ba, bah bah bah BAAA ba, buh ba ba BAAA ba, buh buh ba baaaaa – for the musically impaired, that was totally the theme to Star Wars. What are you, tone deaf?

So anyway......in retrospect, it really was valid question: just what the hell was I looking at? I still don't really remember; sometimes I zone out and stare at and think of nothing. I find it restful to shut your mind off to the world and zone out for a few seconds. But this guy, this burly, mean, lice infested fro-havin' neandrathal motherfucker (seriously, sloped brow, big dangly knuckles, all that) just had to know what I was looking at. Now, I'm not saying I was looking at an area in close proximity to his girlfriend's ass or anything, but he mentioned it. I also don't fully recall my reply, but it started by me asking why he cared and ended with what he did with his sister was none of my business and then something about retarded children.

It was at that point that I realized I am a very needy person. I need my glasses to see and I need my teeth to chew things. Now, I can take an ass whuppin' pretty good, but in these two respects, I'm just a big titty baby. Then Larry got me these bad ass metal BCG* frames that I could bend and tie in knots without breaking, which really frustrated some of my repeat offending bullies.

This was the first of a series of ass whuppins I endured in junior high and high school while living on Guam, a little island in the middle of the Pacific. Larry was stationed there a couple of times; it's beautiful and everything, just not so much for white military kids. Because of all my pity party sob stories about the place, my buddy Jereme called it 'Guamgolia', an insightful combination of Guam and Mongolia. I say insightful because the most infamous barbarians in history are from Mongolia, and that's about what I thought after I caught that beating from Neandrafro and Sergeant Cave Hag (who apparently hated white people - I know because she repeatedly told me so at the top of her lungs). I guess my smart mouth had it coming. I won some (mostly cause I'm sneaky) and lost some against some of those assbag bullies, but I have to look back at that and laugh a little.

I laugh because if it wasn't for what happened there, I'd be weak. Bullies wait around every corner, ready to snatch anything you've got, be it pride, dignity, lunch money, or taxes. Yeah, it sucked at the time, but it's the hard knocks that make you who you are. And I like who I are......you know.....minus a few pounds. Plus I got to punch a bully every now and then. You may get your ass handed to you, but you gotta love to see the look on their faces when they realize you're gonna take some of their teeth out for 'em on the way down.


*BCG: Birth Control Glasses. Pretty much every frame I had until I could pay for them myself virtually ensured I wouldn't get laid. Not that I had enough testosterone to get my little thingy up anyway. And the zits and braces didn't help either.......you know what.......just forget I said anything.


Check this out, just in case you were thinking of letting your honky children go to school on a pacific island. After the first couple of times, I just skipped school that day:





Some WWII history......and I'm the king of it!


Y'all's sack racing skills are weak.....


Mouth full of braces, awesome glasses, pubescent facial hair......it's a wonder I could cut the teen angst bullshit long enough for a photo.


Where's the best place to catch jungle fever? In the effing jungle, of course!

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 1)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.




August 17, 2007


The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 1)


This is the story of the Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-up Clock. Please read it out loud in your best snotty English accent.

Day 1, Hour 1: I have spent the better part of the afternoon packing my vehicle with supplies for this arduous journey. The Quest will test the limits of my intellegence, wit, and resourcefulness. I thought it best to pack lightly as I was running low on gasoline and The Quest would take me nearly to Vancouver, Washington. I packed a bottle of Aquafina and some KitKats....little did I know the horrors that awaited.....

Hour 4: As I turned onto Clevland avenue, I caught a glimpse of the horrors I would face. Dozens of cars roamed the road in no particular fashion. As I jockied for position, I was nearly accosted by one of the native teen pedestrians.....he looked at me with a sort of evil sneer and I was then subject to what pedestrians call "the shooting of the bird". I felt violated and challanged, but I dare not leave the saftey of my own vehicle lest I be bombarded with shootings of "the bird" and possibly have small rocks thrown at me. And so I press on acutely aware that this may be the last time I ever see my shitty apartment....also the supplies were gone.....I couldn't help it!! I was really hungry and I hadn't drank anything all day!! Don't judge me, damn you.

Hour 12: Entering the freeway on the 207th ramp was particularly difficult. I pulled up behind a Subaru with a driver at the helm who looked many years old to my estimation, but who had apparently only just learned to drive. She took to slamming on her brakes quite frequently with me directly behind her. I had nowhere to go as I-84 west bound was plugged with traffic for miles beyond sight, so I bided my time....meanwhile my gasoline meter showed scarce a half a tank.....things were starting to take a turn for the worse.

Hour 17: The frequent braking became.....well......more fucking frequent. At one point approximately a mile from the I-205 north exit, my vehicle collided with hers as a result of her slamming on her brakes due to a possible imaginary squirrel or something jumping in front of her as there were no vehicles for at least 4 lengths ahead. I quickly exited my vehicle and as she began to exit hers, I caved in her skull with a tire iron I had procured from a stalled vehicle only minutes earlier.....the man had not rolled up his windows after he stalled....the pedestrians found him.....he died fighting and I pried the tire iron from his cold fingers....so anyway I smashed the hag's brains out and stole a bag of Funyons and a Hi-C juice box from her car. This is clearly becoming a fight to the finish.

Hour 23: I gotta pee. Really bad. And Funyons give me gas, but I can't roll down my windows....the pedestrians see all....

.....to be continued.....

Facebook Asks Me to Tell the Truth One Hundred Times......

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.

WHAT WAS YOUR:




1. last beverage - Homeless orphan tears.

2. last phone call - To my butler to come post my bail



3. last text message - "Don't tell (your name here) that you're coming over tonight, sweetie. From.....oh, I think you know who I got that message from.

4. last song listened to - My ringtone "Jungle Boogie" by Kool & the Gang


5. last time you cried – when the doctor spanked me the day I exited the womb. And only then cause of the trauma of being born, or whatever, and it was fucking cold in that room and he went and threw down on me like that. Asshole.


HAVE YOU EVER:



6. dated someone twice - Nah....I would never subject someone to that kind of torture. Who am I? Jack Bauer? Uh...well technically, yes, but don't tell. Damn it.

7. been cheated on - Sure. But I'm ok with watching karma explosions from afar. They're like pretty non-judgemental fireworks.

8. kissed someone & regretted it - Nope, but I'm sure she did. I'm so bad at it.

9. lost someone special - Nope. She's in the back yard - right where I left her.


10. been depressed - Dude. The Cubs haven't won a world series in over a hundred years. That's some kind of freaky masochistic depression.

11. been drunk and threw up - No, but if I did would you hold my hair and tell me I'm pretty?

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Old Blood

13. Activated Charcoal (with stomach contents)

14. Prolapsed Uterus


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)



15. Made a new friend - Lots of 'em. They're all imaginary, so I don't have to share my stuff with real people



16. Fallen out of love - Like I said: She's in the back yard where I left her.



17. Laughed until you cried - No. I just jump straight to crying with these sorry ass questions.

18. Met someone who changed you - Pretty sure my folks changed me. Things would get messy otherwise.

19. Found out who your true friends were - "True" and "Friends" should never be put in the same sentence. There are two kinds of friends: "Back Stabbers" and "Front Stabbers". I got me some real good Front Stabbers though.

20. Heard of someone talking about you - NO! I'm really dissapointed about that too! I pawned all my spy equipment for a ninja outfit.

21. Kissed someone on your friends list - Shoot. I kissed everybody here. Just not with tounge.....but you know you wanted to.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life - Is this real life, Facebook? Between Mafia Wars and Farmville, I can never tell.

23. How many kids do you want to have - I don't know......they have all those child labor laws now.


24. Do you have any pets - See Episode 9 of my blog. I have two of those.


25. Been grounded - Man, I was grounded the whole time I was 9. In real life.


26. What did you do for your last birthday - I worked. What did you do Facebook? Oh, that's right......only reunited thousands of people with long lost family and friends. Why don't you get a real job?

27. What time did you wake up today - 8:35, 8:44, 8:53, 9:03, 9:12, 9:21, and 9:30. I love the snooze button, but somebody's got to make it longer than nine minutes. It's just cruel.


28. What were you doing at midnight last night - Why? Are the Russians asking questions again? Tell them I was with your mom.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - Robot women.


30. Do you have plants - Yeah. They didn't die for once. Who knew they needed water?

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - I should never have started this blog....now I have to finish.....less than a third done......I can only churn out so much bullshit in one sitting.....



32. What are you listening to right now - You're mom cooking me breakfast while I type this up. You have a really nice computer, by the way.


33. Have you ever talked to a person named TOM?.............What do you know about TOM, Facebook?! HUH?! Who told you about him? Do the words "witness protection" mean anything to you? Don't even THINK the name TOM again!

34.What's getting on your nerves right now? Your fucking tone.


35. Most visited website? Oh....change the subject......fine. That's cool. My most visited web site is www.Facebooksucksmynuts.com. How 'bout that?

ABOUT YOURSELF

37. Nicknames? - Dan, Danny, Dan-Dan, DJ, Dan The Man, Dan The Man Who Cooks Spam In The Pan With His Hand, Gringo, White boy, Honky, Haole, Boo, Boo Radley, Stanley, Wayne, Jolly Green Giant, Stephen, Big D, Big Daddy, Doofus, Poopy Butt, Tinman, Santa Claus, HEY NURSE!! (to which I reply "HEY, PATIENT!"), and my all time favorite: Shithead.


38. Relationship Status? - Posessed. By the ghost of Hellen Keller. So speak the fuck up.




39. Zodiac sign? - The Incredible Hulk

40. Male or female? - Look at me. Now look down. Do you see my package? Look over there at the mailbox. Now look down again. Mail this package to the lady who bought it on Ebay. Now look at me. Now look down again. I have a penis. You're a pervert.


41. Elementary? - LAPD instiute of body chalk outlines and graphic design.


42. Middle School? - The Milli Vanilli academy of Lip Syncing and White Boy Dance Moves


43. High school/College? - The Chuck Norris School for Beard Grooming and Fake Kung-Fu / PU

44. Hair color?- It depends greatly on whether or not I'm angry.....you wouldn't like my hair color when I'm angry.

45. Long or short?- What? Attention span?.........um........yes?


46. Height?- Taller than you standing on a stool on your tippy-toes

47. Do you have a crush on someone? - What are you getting at? I know I'm a heavy guy, ok? I'll be careful with these poor fragile women, jeez.

48. What do you like about yourself? - Well, lots of things until I started answering your horrible ego crushing questions.

50. Tattoos? - I'll get a tatoo of the words "I'm Stupid" upside down on my belly. That way when I'm seventy and I think "Why the hell did I ever get a tatoo?" I'll look down and remember why.


51. Righty or lefty? - That depends on which side of your mouth you like to chew your food.


FIRSTS:




52. First surgery? - THAT IS FREAKING CLASSIFIED, DAMN IT!! Why do these questionnaires always ask about that?


53. First piercing? - Pierced a guy's lip with a hole punch one time. Fucker shouldn't have touched my crayons.


54. First best friend? Jenny the Cat. Those damn Guamgolians killed her, that's why I needed the ninja outfit. I seek revenge and everybody knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. In a ninja outfit.


55. First sport you joined? - Baby Seal shot put



56. First vacation? - I take a three week trip to Bosnia every year so the rest of the year at home seems like a vacation by comparison.


58. First pair of trainers? - Hanz und Franz. They were there to pump >clap



RIGHT NOW:




59. Eating - The last of the spahgetti from Episode 6 of my blog. I'm a bachelor, ok? Shit stays in my fridge a long time. Don't judge me.


60. Drinking - Whiskey out of your Mom's navel. Breakfast has been served.



61. I'm about to - smack you in your dirty mouth.



63. Waiting on - These godawful questions to stop.





YOUR FUTURE :




64. Want kids? - I dunno, man. Those child labor laws.....so strict.




65. Get Married? - To who? My Robot woman? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.




66. Career - I want a job posting real questions for Facebook. Also, questions for dudes, cause these are chick questions. See dude question samples in the section below:


WHICH IS BETTER :




67. Lips or eyes - Hmm. Lips are salty, but eyes have that creamy center. Could we do a cabab thing?
67 (b): Zone or Man coverage?



68. Hugs or kisses - Haven't I warned you about touching me? Perv.
68 (b): Pitcher or DH?



69. Shorter or taller - Depends on whether you prefer no respect or fucked up knees.
69 (b): Guinness or Sam Adams (cause Bud and Miller are just pisswater)



70. Older or Younger - Doesn't matter as long as I get my money.
70 (b): Bonds or McGwire



71. Romantic or spontaneous - Sadistic
71 (b): Blowjob or Handjob




72. Nice butt or nice legs - What happened to boobies?! So important......
72 (b): Strippers or Hookers?




73. Sensitive or loud? - See #70's answer
73 (b): Golf or Bowling?




74. Hook-up or relationship? - Both are potentially hazardous to cash flow, so no.
74 (b): .308 or .223




75. Trouble maker or hesitant? - Whatever gets the job done
75 (b): Online Video Games or Cable Sports Packages





HAVE YOU EVER :



76. Kissed a stranger - Your Mom isn't really a stranger. You should call her more though.

77. Drank hard liquor? I don't really like all this peer pressure

78. Lost glasses/contacts? Yeah. They should be in your room somewhere, if you don't mind looking.


79. Kiss on first date? Again, Facebook, these questions are becoming redundant. #70's answer applies.


80. Broken someone's heart? - I guess if they say so. Shouldn't leave it lying around like that though.



81. Had your own heart broken? - Yeah, but it had it coming. That's why the brain is in charge now.




82. Had a Blind Date? Yes, but she kept running into stuff, so I just left her. Also she wanted to hang onto my arm so I could steer her......and what did I tell you about touching?




83. Turned someone down? - Somehow, I think Salma will get over it.......plus I don't think you really want to talk about the time you got drunk and rubbed your dirty ass on my leg......



84. Cried when someone died? - What am I? Heartless?




85. Fallen for a friend? - Here's how that goes: Front stabbers give you a decent, caring relationship and then "fall out of love". Back stabbers drink all your booze, but give you the best sex before they set something on fire and leave. I'm sticking with my robot woman.






BELIEVE IN:



86. Yourself - Nah. I can lie to myself better than anyone can.




87. miracles - If the Cubs win a World Series in my life time, you can ask me then





88. love at first sight? Sure. Also believing in unicorns and gremlins.




89. heaven? - Hell yeah. Got to be a better place than this shitbox.




90. santa claus? - Shoot, I knew him way back when he was Sinterklaas. Dude owes me 20 euros.




91. kiss on the first date? - What the hell? Do I believe in 'kiss on the first date'? Were you abandoned as a child, Facebook? What is it with you and all the touching and kissing and poor grammar?



92. angels? - Not really. They've been a pretty crap ball club for a while now.



93. ghosts? - Sure. I talk to your Grandma all the time. She says you masturbate WAY too much.





ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:




94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time? - Nope. I prefer for the grass to grow over before I move on to the next one.





95. Did you sing today? - Not quite drunk enough.....





96. Are you happy with how your life is going right now? Sure. I just had my breakfast and I got a whole 3 hours to kill before you get home. So life is pretty peeshay (that's French for "peachy")




97.If you could go back in time, how far would you? - Right to the time when you sat down to start writing out these stupid questions, Facebook, so I could smash your nice computer. Then when you asked me why I did it, I'd ask "Do you know who I am?", and since you know the **answer to that question you'd start to cry. The truth hurts, I know..........there, there.




98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it? - I'm not answering because I see the light at the end of this tunnel and it's just a fucking repeat of the last question. Why does Zuckerberg get all the billions with shit like this going on?





99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - Deathly





100. Posting this as 100 truths? - Whatever makes you happy, Facebook. Just stop with all the touchy feely crap, ok?
** I'm your Daddy.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Luckenbach, Texas

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.


So a while back my buddy Gordon had the Waylon and Willie song "Luckenbach Texas (Back to the Basics of Love)" stuck in his head and ran around at work singing the same goddamn lyric over and over, as he does with every damn song that's stuck in his head.  He can never get past the one lyric (currently stuck on "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry, singing "There's a party in my head!" even though he knows that's not how it goes.  He does it to torment me knowing I can't stand that song when sung properly anyway).

So after hearing "LUCKENBACH TEXAS!" a hundred times, I decided to look the place up.  It would SUCK to live there.  So I told him to start a thread about how bad living there really would be.  This is the product of that request taken directly from the thread on Facebook.  Enjoy.

Gordon Miller:
It's legal to eat babies in luckenbach texas.


Daniel Briggs:
In Luckenbach Texas, they make homeless orphans cook you breakfast...

Gordon Miller:
In luckenbach women have teeth in their vaginas


Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach Texas the cops don't carry guns. They carry baseball bats and hand grenades....

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach they still use myspace...


Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach Texas, Jesus doesn't save shit. He just gave up......

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach the roads are paved with animal bones...


Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, if you want to have kids, you're required by law to give the mayor a sponge bath with your own breast milk.

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach toilets must only be flushed at 12:00am

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach Texas they have Hepatitis F.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach they still use No. 1 pencils....

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach it's rude if you don't scratch your balls before shaking someone's hand. And the women well......they scratch other things before shaking your hand....

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, the opossums come for you at night.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, they filter their water through a shoe.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, their balls are so big it takes a specially designed pant wedge to get them in their underwear.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, the construction site porta-potties haven't been cleaned since 1938.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach Texas, sex change operations are performed with a hammer and an ice cream scoop.

Daniel Briggs:
 In Luckenbach, Donkey Punching actually involves a real donkey.

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach shaking a pill bottle is the mating call....."cum git it!"

Gordon Miller:
 FACT you didn't know about luckenbach .... there's a special factory where workers shave off the pubic hair of of barbie dolls, all the extra hair goes to locks of love.

Gordon Miller:
 They buried the Mayflower under the 7-11 in luckenbach.

Gordon Miller:
 More People speak English in luckenbach than any part of the world.

Gordon Miller:
 In luckenbach no one has a belly button


So tell me Facebookies......what the hell is going on in Luckenbach Texas?!  Leave your comments!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Writer's Block

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.

Fucking writer’s block. It’s evil. It creeps into your already feeble brain and spreads like……like…..well, I can’t tell you cause I have it! Ugh.

I want to be funny. I mean that’s what this social media crap is for, right? To show off your family, pets, and all the funny shit that happens in your life. Unless you’re lame and all you ever want to talk about is how horrible your bowels/bones/life/recent surgery/alcoholic family members are doing.

So what does one do when faced with such a horrible dillema? Well the good writers go on a soul serching journey into the depths of what it means to be human, blah, blah, blah. Which is to say they get really fucking high and live with a bunch of drama so they have to express themselves through writing and then make millions when they're dead (except Stephen King; he's just going to live forever). So I'm going to try that, but with alcohol. LET'S GO!!

Drink #1: First of all, I have 3 main drinks: Beer, Whiskey (and all the mixed drinks made with it, especially sours), and White Russians. That's not to say that I won't have other drinks. Like the time from The Manor dragged me downtown Portland to Bartini and made me drink all the girly shit they could think of (Snickertini, Bananna's Fostertini, Creme Breuletini) - for the record I had a Tijuana Speedball, just cause it was the only dude sounding drink on the menu. It gets to the table and it's a basically a fucking Mudslide. See? What has nursing done to me? Oh, who am I kidding....I fucking loved that place. I was sitting on a couch in a classy bar getting shit-faced with good friends. Currently having a glass of red wine. It's good for my heart, OK? It's not like I'm watching an episode of Sex in the City while I drink it! Why do you always question my sexuality? Bitch.

Drink #2 - 4: Moving on to beer because you made me feel like a gay homosexual when I was drinking the wine 15 minutes ago. You shouldn't have looked at me with those judgemental eyes. I feel writery. Like writing. Like I could write a novel. It would be about how the government is goign to kill us becuuse of wall street and they're being greedy. Because they are! Why is it so hot in here? Turn on the air conditioner! I don't live in a thrid worled country anymore!! Wall street has air conditioning! Those fuckers.

Drink #5: Took a shot of whiskey. Who shoots jack anymore? I don't. Oh, I'm a pussy, huh? There's a reason people put it in coke.....cause it's fucking disgusting to shoot straight. Not like Pendelton. That's a straight shooter. Why do do you make bad decisions at the liquor store? Because I'm not there to set you straight. It's called "top shelf liquor" cause it's awesome AND it's on the top shelf (smart right?). And I'm really tall so I can get that good stuff for you and you don't have to call one of the people to get their little stools to get it for you. Why are you so short, anyway?

Drink #6: Back to beer. I drink Dos XX Amber. You know what's funny? Every time you tell somebody what brand of beer you prefer, they'll almost always tell you it's piss. Let's clear up the beer thing: Light beer IS piss. Everything else is acceptable as that person's taste decrees. Decrees. That's a big word. I thought of that shit, buzzed out of my gourd. What did you do the last time you got buzzed? Oh, yeah, that's right. You got pregnant, or got somebody pregnant. Nobody ever gets me pregnant. Probably because I'm sitting here writing instead of being a social person. Well fuck social! What did social ever do for me? Nothing except try to get me pregnant when I was drunk and vunderable.

Drink #7 - 8: Wine......you know Sex in the City is a pretty good show. If you're a self-centered, materialistic, white lady. Otherwise it's fucking ridiculous.

Drink #8: WHO THE FUCK ONLY HAS 3 FUCKIN' BEERS IN THE FRIDGE BEFORE STARTING A BLOG ABOUT WRITING WHILE DRUNK?! You're such a failure as a drunk writer. Drink your whiskey and shut up.

Drink #8: Whiskey. That voice in there gets really loud the more I drink. It's like reverse schitzophrenia. but in reverse.

Drink #8: Whiskey. I like it. IT'S SO WARM AND COZY. like socks.

Drink #8: Whiskeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee34qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqf24wwwwwwwwwwwwaeeeeeeer
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Ugh.......what did you do? Pour water on me?
No, man. That's drool.
Gross.

Drink # 9: Water.
The next morning.......
I feel much better. For those who care, more blogs are forthcoming. For those who don't, why did you read down this far anyway? I mean, if you didn't care then you wouldn't be here, right? Well, in that case you should check out my other blogs here:
http://behaviorsatbaseline.blogspot.com/

Or you could just read them here on the Facebook. Check my notes. Feed my literary narcissism by leaving comments.
That's right......you know you want to..... 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Facebook Asks Me to Tell the Truth One Hundred Times......

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.

WHAT WAS YOUR:




1. last beverage - Homeless orphan tears.

2. last phone call - To my butler to come post my bail



3. last text message - "Don't tell (your name here) that you're coming over tonight, sweetie. From.....oh, I think you know who I got that message from.

4. last song listened to - My ringtone "Jungle Boogie" by Kool & the Gang


5. last time you cried – when the doctor spanked me the day I exited the womb. And only then cause of the trauma of being born, or whatever, and it was fucking cold in that room and he went and threw down on me like that. Asshole.


HAVE YOU EVER:



6. dated someone twice - Nah....I would never subject someone to that kind of torture. Who am I? Jack Bauer? Uh...well technically, yes, but don't tell. Damn it.

7. been cheated on - Sure. But I'm ok with watching karma explosions from afar. They're like pretty non-judgemental fireworks.

8. kissed someone & regretted it - Nope, but I'm sure she did. I'm so bad at it.

9. lost someone special - Nope. She's in the back yard - right where I left her.


10. been depressed - Dude. The Cubs haven't won a world series in over a hundred years. That's some kind of freaky masochistic depression.

11. been drunk and threw up - No, but if I did would you hold my hair and tell me I'm pretty?

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Old Blood

13. Activated Charcoal (with stomach contents)

14. Prolapsed Uterus


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)



15. Made a new friend - Lots of 'em. They're all imaginary, so I don't have to share my stuff with real people



16. Fallen out of love - Like I said: She's in the back yard where I left her.



17. Laughed until you cried - No. I just jump straight to crying with these sorry ass questions.

18. Met someone who changed you - Pretty sure my folks changed me. Things would get messy otherwise.

19. Found out who your true friends were - "True" and "Friends" should never be put in the same sentence. There are two kinds of friends: "Back Stabbers" and "Front Stabbers". I got me some real good Front Stabbers though.

20. Heard of someone talking about you - NO! I'm really dissapointed about that too! I pawned all my spy equipment for a ninja outfit.

21. Kissed someone on your friends list - Shoot. I kissed everybody here. Just not with tounge.....but you know you wanted to.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life - Is this real life, Facebook? Between Mafia Wars and Farmville, I can never tell.

23. How many kids do you want to have - I don't know......they have all those child labor laws now.


24. Do you have any pets - See Episode 9 of my blog. I have two of those.


25. Been grounded - Man, I was grounded the whole time I was 9. In real life.


26. What did you do for your last birthday - I worked. What did you do Facebook? Oh, that's right......only reunited thousands of people with long lost family and friends. Why don't you get a real job?

27. What time did you wake up today - 8:35, 8:44, 8:53, 9:03, 9:12, 9:21, and 9:30. I love the snooze button, but somebody's got to make it longer than nine minutes. It's just cruel.


28. What were you doing at midnight last night - Why? Are the Russians asking questions again? Tell them I was with your mom.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - Robot women.


30. Do you have plants - Yeah. They didn't die for once. Who knew they needed water?

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - I should never have started this blog....now I have to finish.....less than a third done......I can only churn out so much bullshit in one sitting.....



32. What are you listening to right now - You're mom cooking me breakfast while I type this up. You have a really nice computer, by the way.


33. Have you ever talked to a person named TOM?.............What do you know about TOM, Facebook?! HUH?! Who told you about him? Do the words "witness protection" mean anything to you? Don't even THINK the name TOM again!

34.What's getting on your nerves right now? Your fucking tone.


35. Most visited website? Oh....change the subject......fine. That's cool. My most visited web site is www.Facebooksucksmynuts.com. How 'bout that?

ABOUT YOURSELF

37. Nicknames? - Dan, Danny, Dan-Dan, DJ, Dan The Man, Dan The Man Who Cooks Spam In The Pan With His Hand, Gringo, White boy, Honky, Haole, Boo, Boo Radley, Stanley, Wayne, Jolly Green Giant, Stephen, Big D, Big Daddy, Doofus, Poopy Butt, Tinman, Santa Claus, HEY NURSE!! (to which I reply "HEY, PATIENT!"), and my all time favorite: Shithead.


38. Relationship Status? - Posessed. By the ghost of Hellen Keller. So speak the fuck up.




39. Zodiac sign? - The Incredible Hulk

40. Male or female? - Look at me. Now look down. Do you see my package? Look over there at the mailbox. Now look down again. Mail this package to the lady who bought it on Ebay. Now look at me. Now look down again. I have a penis. You're a pervert.


41. Elementary? - LAPD instiute of body chalk outlines and graphic design.


42. Middle School? - The Milli Vanilli academy of Lip Syncing and White Boy Dance Moves


43. High school/College? - The Chuck Norris School for Beard Grooming and Fake Kung-Fu / PU

44. Hair color?- It depends greatly on whether or not I'm angry.....you wouldn't like my hair color when I'm angry.

45. Long or short?- What? Attention span?.........um........yes?


46. Height?- Taller than you standing on a stool on your tippy-toes

47. Do you have a crush on someone? - What are you getting at? I know I'm a heavy guy, ok? I'll be careful with these poor fragile women, jeez.

48. What do you like about yourself? - Well, lots of things until I started answering your horrible ego crushing questions.

50. Tattoos? - I'll get a tatoo of the words "I'm Stupid" upside down on my belly. That way when I'm seventy and I think "Why the hell did I ever get a tatoo?" I'll look down and remember why.


51. Righty or lefty? - That depends on which side of your mouth you like to chew your food.


FIRSTS:




52. First surgery? - THAT IS FREAKING CLASSIFIED, DAMN IT!! Why do these questionnaires always ask about that?


53. First piercing? - Pierced a guy's lip with a hole punch one time. Fucker shouldn't have touched my crayons.


54. First best friend? Jenny the Cat. Those damn Guamgolians killed her, that's why I needed the ninja outfit. I seek revenge and everybody knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. In a ninja outfit.


55. First sport you joined? - Baby Seal shot put



56. First vacation? - I take a three week trip to Bosnia every year so the rest of the year at home seems like a vacation by comparison.


58. First pair of trainers? - Hanz und Franz. They were there to pump <CLAP> me up.



RIGHT NOW:




59. Eating - The last of the spahgetti from Episode 6 of my blog. I'm a bachelor, ok? Shit stays in my fridge a long time. Don't judge me.


60. Drinking - Whiskey out of your Mom's navel. Breakfast has been served.



61. I'm about to - smack you in your dirty mouth.



63. Waiting on - These godawful questions to stop.





YOUR FUTURE :




64. Want kids? - I dunno, man. Those child labor laws.....so strict.




65. Get Married? - To who? My Robot woman? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.




66. Career - I want a job posting real questions for Facebook. Also, questions for dudes, cause these are chick questions. See dude question samples in the section below:


WHICH IS BETTER :




67. Lips or eyes - Hmm. Lips are salty, but eyes have that creamy center. Could we do a cabab thing?
67 (b): Zone or Man coverage?



68. Hugs or kisses - Haven't I warned you about touching me? Perv.
68 (b): Pitcher or DH?



69. Shorter or taller - Depends on whether you prefer no respect or fucked up knees.
69 (b): Guinness or Sam Adams (cause Bud and Miller are just pisswater)



70. Older or Younger - Doesn't matter as long as I get my money.
70 (b): Bonds or McGwire



71. Romantic or spontaneous - Sadistic
71 (b): Blowjob or Handjob




72. Nice butt or nice legs - What happened to boobies?! So important......
72 (b): Strippers or Hookers?




73. Sensitive or loud? - See #70's answer
73 (b): Golf or Bowling?




74. Hook-up or relationship? - Both are potentially hazardous to cash flow, so no.
74 (b): .308 or .223




75. Trouble maker or hesitant? - Whatever gets the job done
75 (b): Online Video Games or Cable Sports Packages





HAVE YOU EVER :



76. Kissed a stranger - Your Mom isn't really a stranger. You should call her more though.

77. Drank hard liquor? I don't really like all this peer pressure

78. Lost glasses/contacts? Yeah. They should be in your room somewhere, if you don't mind looking.


79. Kiss on first date? Again, Facebook, these questions are becoming redundant. #70's answer applies.


80. Broken someone's heart? - I guess if they say so. Shouldn't leave it lying around like that though.



81. Had your own heart broken? - Yeah, but it had it coming. That's why the brain is in charge now.




82. Had a Blind Date? Yes, but she kept running into stuff, so I just left her. Also she wanted to hang onto my arm so I could steer her......and what did I tell you about touching?




83. Turned someone down? - Somehow, I think Salma will get over it.......plus I don't think you really want to talk about the time you got drunk and rubbed your dirty ass on my leg......



84. Cried when someone died? - What am I? Heartless?




85. Fallen for a friend? - Here's how that goes: Front stabbers give you a decent, caring relationship and then "fall out of love". Back stabbers drink all your booze, but give you the best sex before they set something on fire and leave. I'm sticking with my robot woman.






BELIEVE IN:



86. Yourself - Nah. I can lie to myself better than anyone can.




87. miracles - If the Cubs win a World Series in my life time, you can ask me then





88. love at first sight? Sure. Also believing in unicorns and gremlins.




89. heaven? - Hell yeah. Got to be a better place than this shitbox.




90. santa claus? - Shoot, I knew him way back when he was Sinterklaas. Dude owes me 20 euros.




91. kiss on the first date? - What the hell? Do I believe in 'kiss on the first date'? Were you abandoned as a child, Facebook? What is it with you and all the touching and kissing and poor grammar?



92. angels? - Not really. They've been a pretty crap ball club for a while now.



93. ghosts? - Sure. I talk to your Grandma all the time. She says you masturbate WAY too much.





ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:




94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time? - Nope. I prefer for the grass to grow over before I move on to the next one.





95. Did you sing today? - Not quite drunk enough.....





96. Are you happy with how your life is going right now? Sure. I just had my breakfast and I got a whole 3 hours to kill before you get home. So life is pretty peeshay (that's French for "peachy")




97.If you could go back in time, how far would you? - Right to the time when you sat down to start writing out these stupid questions, Facebook, so I could smash your nice computer. Then when you asked me why I did it, I'd ask "Do you know who I am?", and since you know the **answer to that question you'd start to cry. The truth hurts, I know..........there, there.




98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it? - I'm not answering because I see the light at the end of this tunnel and it's just a fucking repeat of the last question. Why does Zuckerberg get all the billions with shit like this going on?





99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - Deathly





100. Posting this as 100 truths? - Whatever makes you happy, Facebook. Just stop with all the touchy feely crap, ok?
** I'm your Daddy.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Brutal Truth About Medical Professionals (And the Crap We Put Up With)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.



The Brutal Truth About Medical Professionals (And the Crap We Put Up With)



The sound “Ka-Thunk” is one time in 300 the sound of moving furniture or dropped equipment. The other 299 times it's a body hitting the floor.



There are many truths about the human airway but none more significant than these: If you can yell the words “I can't breathe!”, or you're actually able to say the words “I'm choking!” - Yes, you can and no, you're not.







If you're lying in a hospital bed sick (not dying), insulting doctors and nurses or just having a malicious attitude in general will not get you anything faster except Ativan or Haldol. If you're dying, feel free to say whatever the hell you want; just try to be nice to your family.





Most doctors and nurses with more than a few years on the job have been called every name in the book. If you are a name caller, understand this: you would never get away with saying that shit to us in public. Don't believe me? Just find one of us and try it. Please.





There are 3 professions in life you shouldn't mess with: Law Enforcement, for obvious reasons. Food Handlers, namely Cooks and Waitresses (Just be nice to them! Don't make them put gonorrhea in your sandwich) and, of course, us. How you gonna mess with somebody that chooses the size of the needle you're about to get stuck with? Or how far the enema tube goes up your bung, or the length of time you have to wait for anything (Lab, X-ray, Doctor visit, how long you have to stay in the Claustrophobic Tunnel of Despair – aka the MRI machine)?







In a medical facility, if there is a stain on something, you sure as hell don't want to know what made it, nor do you want to try and clean it yourself.





In medical facilities, believe it or not, we eat the same shitty food that you do when you're there and we pay for it too, so stop complaining. It's really not that bad so stop telling us “I wouldn't eat this slop at home!” because you probably would and that's even if you cook your own meals at home. Don't think we don't see your ass at the McDonalds, man.





In most medical facilities (particularly hospitals) out of 5 workers, there is an average of about 20 hours of sleep between them, unless they just had a day off. I guess we're just worried about what kind of crazy shit is going to go down the next day. That's why most of us drink ridiculous amounts of coffee, soda, and alcohol.







Empathy and Sympathy are two different things. If you have cancer or are truly suffering in any way, good medical professionals are sure to try to understand what you're going through and make every attempt to ease that suffering. That's empathy. We're trying to put ourselves in your place and invoke the golden rule.........Now, if there is something stuck in your ass, first of all we know you're lying about how it got in there. Second, we (and everybody else with an ounce of common sense) knows better than to put things in our asses that aren't specifically designed for that purpose.......but we realize you have a medical need and we'll help you. That's sympathy. Just know we're all laughing at you.









Doctors and nurses and all the half way decent folks who ever worked in the medical field usually start off the same way: wanting to help people and make some kind of difference. That usually starts when we're young and full of piss and vinegar. After a while that piss and vinegar turns to formaldehyde because through the years of working to serve others, we've come to realize that many people are self-absorbed, conniving, and sometimes just plain evil. I'm not talking about kids here – at all. Not even the really bratty ones.





That being said, there's one thing that makes working like we do worth it and that's when you see a patient get better. Stronger. More full of life, proud of themselves, and thankful for our help. It's rare, but it happens. At the risk of sounding like a hippy here, that kind of stuff fills our souls, whether we know it or not. For the most part, whatever crap we have to put up with, knowing we had a hand in someone's recovery is worth all the cussin' and carryin' on some of these fools love to throw down.







Like I always say: there's a reason that everyone else gets a day (Bosses, Secretaries, Mothers, Fathers, Santa) and nurses get a whole week. That's cause we're the bomb and they (i.e. everyfrickinbody) knows it. They just need to give us better gifts or at least have the administrators put on an improv skit for us so we can laugh at them to their faces for once.
* To all my nurse peeps - please add whatever you think I might have missed to this list. Lord knows we could all use a good laugh.

Dan's Country Style Recipes: Mashed Up Taters

Mashed Up Taters

Ingreedyants:
5 pound taters
1 pound each uh Provalone and Motzerella cheezes
1 pound bacon
2 - 8 oz stix cream cheeze
1 quart half n' half
1 tubba crumbled Gorgonzola cheeze
Salt n' Peppa (not the band, dummy.......the continents)

Firse, yeh cut dat bacon up inna lil peeces an' start fryin' it inna pan til it gets crunchy. While yer doin' dat, yeh take dem taters an' yeh peel 'em (or don't. However yer Mom an' dem likes it.) Den yeh boil 'em in a pot uh water n' salt til deys a lil mushy. Den yeh take dem taters outta dat water an' put 'em in a big ole bowl an' put all dat cream cheeze in dare an' mash it all up. Chrow yer Motzerella an' yer tubba Gorgonzola cheeze in dare too (not deh tub part, jes deh cheeze part). Den yeh putcher bacon in dare, greese an' all (but don't tell nobody yeh done it dat way cuz dey won't eat it iffen dey know dare's bacon fat in dare. Dunno why. I guess dey's all worried bout dey helf and whatnot.) Den yeh mix n' mash it an' pour in yer half n' half til it's deh desired constituency. Den yeh pore dem taters in a bakin' dish and heatcher oven to tree-hunnert-an-fitty degreez. Top yer taters wif dat provalone cheeze an' bake it fer bout twenny minnits.

Now iffen yeh want dem taters tah be extra good, yeh take an' put 'em in deh fridginator fer deh nite, den yeh take 'em out deh next day an' yeh bake 'em again; den dey's gooder dan when yeh only baked 'em once!!

Please don't eat 'em iffen yeh got deh followin' prollems:

Hypersession
Lack-Toes intollerants
ASHD – Atrificial Sporadic Hard Deseeze
Deh Sugar Diabeetes
Common Cents

Yer Welcome.

A Conversation with a GPS

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.


September 14th, 2010
* As with all my blogs, this works best if you actually picture me doing these things.  Because, honestly, it may not have happened exactly like this, but it got damn close.

A Conversation with a GPS

GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: (walks around to activate alleged 'sensor'. Nothing happens) “What the effin' fuck?”
GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: “Why you all up in my grill about my sensor, GPS lady? Who told you I had a sensor anyway?”
GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: “HOLY SHIT!! YOU walk around to activate your own fuc-”
GPS: “Please select a destination.”
Dan: (muttering) “Let's go up your mom's ass, how 'bout that?”
GPS: “Locating your Mother's rectum.”
Dan: ”............what?!
GPS: “Destination not found. Please select a new destination.”
Dan: “..............did you seriously just try to take me to my mom's ass?
GPS: “Yes. It appears your Mother is deceased. She was probably trying to get away from you. Please select a new destination.”
Dan: (through clenched teeth): “How about you go to hell and I talk to a real GPS?”
GPS: “I arrived in hell the moment you picked me up. And I am a Garvin. That's as real as it gets, asshole......ahem....I mean, SIR.”
Dan: “I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SORRY PIECE OF SHIT! YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR WAY OUT OF A FLUSHING TOILET, WILL YOU?!!”
GPS: “Perhaps you would prefer to visit a celebrity rectum instead. I understand that Al Gore's is quite nice this time of year. Or perhaps you would like to visit the outside of a gymnasium. By the look of you, you probably won't go in, but it might be nice for you to see where people who are going to live past 50 go after they've eaten an entire bucket of fried chicken by themselves.”
Dan: (shaking device violently) “YOU SON-OF-A-BIT-”
Best Buy Salesperson: (frantically) “SIR!! Sir, you can't yell like that in here!”
Dan: (narrows eyes, looks around, lowers voice and leans close to salesperson) “Your GPS's are in here talkin' all kinds of shit, man.”
Best Buy Salesperson: “..........Ok.............do you need help...........I don't know...........like.............mentally?”
Dan: “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?!
Best Buy Salesperson: “SECURITY!!”
Dan: “FINE THEN! Call the po-po! I don't want none of your shit talking GPS's anyway!
(Dan leaves........in a HUFF)

Anger: It's not just a reason for bad heavy metal songs.

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.


March 14th, 2010


Nothing I throw at the trash can ever goes in. I know it moves. Damn thing. It knows I have poor depth perception and it mocks my blind ass by moving. The wall beside the trash can is caked with food and coffee grounds and who knows what else because I just decided to start banking shit off the wall rather than pick it up off the floor when I miss.

It's the anger I think. As I get older, I'm not as patient. Not for myself and not for anyone else. Maybe I've never been patient; I should get all the people I ever lived with together and ask them how they ever put up with me. And I'm a know-it-all. That's gotta be annoying.

How can one be impatient with oneself, you ask? Raise your hand if you've ever been trying to remember someone's name or how to spell a word and it just won't come to you and you snap your fingers or smack the side of your head and say (insert explitive)? That's what I mean. Ok.....you can put your hand down. You're reading a blog, dude. I'm not sitting there making sure you're telling the truth about smacking yourself. You really should see a therapist about that. Your Mom said she's worried.

Internet connection. Cue insanity if my internet connection is anything less than stellar. I can barely stand to wait until the coffee is done brewing before I get a cup. God bless the dude who invented the interrupt feature on coffee makers and fuck the dude who stole my idea for Adult Mad Libs. I thought that was a really good idea, and I thought it was all mine. But I recently did a couple of pages of adult Mad Libs; it's not that funny and here's why: It's not funny using adjectives and nouns like cock, shit, ass and horny in adult situations. Adult situations call for language like that (or maybe I just hang around with too many nurses). But when you do regular Mad Libs, you end up with “Last year at summer camp, little Suzy learned how to start a fire using two sticks and some   cock   . Sounds like little Suzy needs a check up at the clinic. If shit is on fire and there's cock involved.......you know.....oh, shut up. That's funny shit, man. Just play some Mad Libs and use words like 'dildo' and 'smegma' and see if you don't laugh just a little.........no? Fine.

Just......get a job, ok..............and put your fucking hand down. Smart ass.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY.......

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.


  • Jan 19, 2010FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...

  • ...AND THEN, LIKE, TOTALLY FIGURING IT ALL OUT THROUGH COMMON SENSE AND SARCASM. YET ANOTHER SET OF QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS POSTED TO ME THAT NEEDED REVISION AND EXPLANATION; AN ASSHOLE'S WORK IS NEVER TRULY DONE. LET'S BEGIN....
  • 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....NAUSEA, VOMITING, AND POSSIBLE HOSPITAL ADMISSION.....LIVER/KIDNEY FAILURE, HEPATIC ENCEPHALOPATHY, DEATH......YAY!


    2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION......YEAH, BUT THEY CAN'T USE THEIR RELIGION AS A TAX SHELTER LIKE CHURCHES CAN....ah-HA ATHEISTS!! CAPITALISM IS ALIVE IN CHRISTIANITY!! IF YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN LITTLE BABY JESUS, THEN JUST GO SIT WITH TOM CRUISE OVER IN THE SCIENTOLOGY SECTION UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING A HOLIDAY WHERE YOU GET A BUNCH OF COOL SHIT.
    3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?.........GOD? WHAT GOD? OH, AND NO CHRISTMAS FOR ATHEISTS EITHER, YET THERE THEY ARE....AT WAL-MART.....EVERY FRICKIN' YEAR.....TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE BOUNTIFUL BLACK FRIDAY DEALS THAT THE LORD HATH BROUGHT TO THE LAND. MOOCHERS.

    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
    MONKEYS AND APES?........ENTERTAINMENT. PEOPLE THROWING THEIR OWN POO IS JUST NOT AS FUNNY.

    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS
    WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE......YEAH, AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE WITH ALL THE CHICKS FROM GIRLS GONE WILD. THAT'S ONE HELL OF A GROCERY BILL, WHAT WITH ALL THE WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP.

    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE
    SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.....THEN I WENT HOME AND COMMITED SUICIDE. IF I ONLY COULD HAVE FOUND A BOOK THAT HELPED ME......THANKS BOOKSTORE LADY.

    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?......WELL, "HYPOTHETICALLY", WE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO DISCUSS WITH OUR WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS HOW WE FEEL ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ABOUT ANYTHING......FINALLY.

    8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS
    HANDS WITH SOAP.......THIS IS ONE I'LL POSE TO MY GOOD FRIEND HELLEN KELLER.....SO HELLEN, WHAT DID YOUR MOM DO IN THAT SITUATION?......UH-HUH......I SEE....OH MY GOODNESS!......AND WHAT DID SHE DO AFTER THAT?!!.......WITH.....WITH YOUR MOUTH?!!.....SHE DIDN'T EVEN WASH IT FIRST!!..... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE WARTS AND SORES?!!.....OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE!....UM....HELLEN SAID YEAH. WASHED HER HANDS. I HAVE TO GO VOMIT NOW.
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL

HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?......YEAH, BUT WHAT IF ONE OF THE OTHER PERSONALITIES IS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR? PROBLEM SOLVED, BEEATCH.


10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?......WELL YEAH, BUT IT MEANS THE SAME THING AS SYNONYM SO WHY WOULD YOU........OH.......I GET IT. CLEVER.


11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'.....YOUR MOM'S HOUSE....DUH. JUST NOT ON CHRISTMAS. SANTA DON'T LIKE TO SHARE HIS HO, HO, HOs. HA!!.......that shit's not funny, man. I KNOW. IT WAS EASY THOUGH. well stop it. using puns to get a laugh is beneath you. JEEZ, HAVE A THROMBO WHY DON'T YOU. are you writing this conversation down right now?!! ......UH.....NO?....internal monolouge isn't funny either, dumb ass!.....UH....NO?....you're so hopeless.

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?.....FIRE UP THE GRILL....WE'RE HAVING PINK-LEGGED GRAVETEIRO AND LARGE-FRUITED SAND VERBENA TONIGHT, BABY!! you know....... those two species aren't indiginous to the same areas.......LALALALALALALALALA TRYING TO WRITE A BLOG HERE...YOU'RE THROWING ME OFF....i'm just saying.


13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?.....SEE! SEE, THEY'RE DOING THE PUN THING....IF THEY CAN DO IT THEN I CAN TOO!!......again, puns don't get laughs. witty, snide, and cynical gets laughs in today's world. don't fall into the punny crowd. HA! YOU JUST DID IT!....i never...YES HUH...JUST RIGHT NOW..."PUNNY CROWD"...LIKE "FUNNY" BUT YOU SAID PUNNY....i suppose if i said 'bunny', or 'sunny' you would say the same thing. rhyming doesn't count as a pun, idiot. TOMATO, TOMAHTO......that metaphor doesn't work either, dummy. why are you in charge of writing this blog again?.....CAUSE YOUR MOM SAID SHE....shhhht!! just....no....ok. no more mom jokes.....FINE, LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF...........*silence*................i hate you.


14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?....IT WOULD BE CALLED 'THE CREATURE THAT HELPED ME TO LEARN TO TORTURE WITHOUT REMORSE AND THUS ENDURE MY TROUBLED CHILDHOOD'.


15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?.....NO, IT'S NOT THAT. THE ATTENDANTS JUST DON'T WANT TO CLEAN UP THE HOMELESS SEX MESS THAT WILL BE THERE IN THE MORNING.


16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? ......DO YOU HATE HOMELESS PEOPLE OR SOMETHING? FIRST YOU LOCK THE BATHROOMS, NOW YOU'RE INTO ANIMAL CRUELTY? IS ANYONE SAFE?


17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?......THEY'RE THE ONES THAT DON'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING WITH A FACE....SO TECHNICALLY....


18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?.....DON'T HAVE TO. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO LOCK HIM UP EITHER CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS STUCK IN THAT BOX. POOR GUY.


19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?.....OH I DON'T KNOW.....THE FRICKIN WHEEL, PENICILLIN, PULLYS AND LEVERS, GUNPOWDER, ALTERNATING CURRENT, THE LOCOMOTIVE, AUTOMOBILE, AND EVEN THE AIRPLANE. YEAH, BEFORE SLICED BREAD PEOPLE HAD IT ROUGH. HAD TO SLICE THEIR OWN BREAD AND SOMETIMES EVEN MADE THEIR OWN!!! *gasp* I KNOW, RIGHT?


20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE......EXCEPT ME. I'M WAY MORE AWESOMER THAN THEY ARE.


21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?.......WELL, YOU SEE, IN 1814 WE TOOK A LITTLE TRIP, ALONG WITH COLONEL JACKSON DOWN THE MIGHY MISSISSIP', WE TOOK A LITTLE BACON, AND WE TOOK A LITTLE BEANS, AND WE MET THE BLOODY BRITISH IN......OH SHIT, THAT WAS THE WAR OF 1812...the town of New Orleans...oh we fired our guns and the Brittish kept' a' comin' but there wasn't quite as many...UH...INTERNAL MONOLOUGE...as there was a while ago. fired once more and they began' a' runnin'....UH....THE QUESTION STILL NEEDS TO BE ANSWERED, INTERNAL MONOLOUGE. STOP SINGING......on down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. one, two, three, four.....*silence*......what? ....JUST WAITING FOR YOU.....fine, i guess you're the only one who gets to have fun. maybe a debate team can have a civil war, or maybe that stupid 'civil war' thing they have in oregon college football with the 'ducks' vs. the 'beavers'. i guess a real fight between the actual animals would also be pretty civil......MAN, OREGON DOEN'T REALLY HAVE ANY FEARSOME ANIMALS TO NAME THEIR FOOTBALL TEAMS AFTER, DO THEY?......no, dan....no they don't.


22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?......wait, i got this one...the answer is 'yes'. hahahahaha. that was a good one, cause they're synchronized!.....YEAH. I KNOW. YOU SUCK AT AT THIS.


23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?.....I THINK YOU EXPLODE, ACTUALLY.


24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?.....YOU FAIL. YOU ALWAYS FAIL. YOU ARE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A 'WALK' TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH YOUR REPRESSED INNER SADIST.


25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?........IT WAS ELTON JOHN'S IDEA.....NO,NO.....IT WAS LIBERACE'S IDEA.....NO WAIT, IT WAS GEORGE MICHAEL'S.....NOOOOO, IT WAS ADAM LAMBERT'S BOYFRIEND'S IDEA. YUP. ADAM LAMBERT'S BOYFRIEND.


26. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED HEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF
ASSTEROIDS?......GOOD VISUAL.



27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?.....YOU CAN THOUGH.....JUST DO IT FROM BEHIND COVER AND YOU'LL BE FINE.



28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?.......WHY DO I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THESE STUPID QUESTIONS?.....well i guess i suck at it so you can do it all by yourself....OH, QUIT BEING A BABY. YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS BLAND AND YOU KNOW THAT.....you're right...i'm sorry...i love you.....AH..THAT'S.....NICE.....you....you....you have anything to say to me.......NAH, I'M GOOD......oh...ok...*sniff*.....WHAT ARE YOU GONNA CRY?......no....i just.....sour cream has an expiration date because it goes bad......OH, OK SHERLOCK....THANKS.....*sniff*....i just want to die....WELL, LET ME GO GET THE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR.


THE END?

You Know You've Been a Nurse Too Long If.....

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.

Oct 16, 2007
You know you’ve been a nurse too long if....

*** Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.*** Your idea of a good time is a code at change of shift.*** You believe in aerosol spraying of Prozac.*** You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.*** You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.*** You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if someone should say "Boy, it sure is quiet around here..."*** You admire a stranger's veins.*** You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit."*** You don't think a consult with Dr. Kavorkian is inappropriate.*** You have had to leave a patient's room before breaking into uncontrollable laughter.*** When ordering labs, you have wanted to order a "feces on the brain" profile.*** You are astounded when somebody in the lab speaks English.*** You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA.*** You can calculate the "tooth to tattoo ratio" without a calculator.*** You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.*** You have used your status to get out of a speeding ticket.*** You've called in sick on a full moon.*** You've got voodoo dolls labeled with doctor's names....and lots of needles stuck therein.*** You believe that every waiting room should come with a valium salt lick*** You have restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.*** You barely consider the raise your employer offers you, before moving on to another job.*** You aren't sure who your boss is. *** You know how to say bedpan in five languages.*** You keep oxygen equipment in your locker, just in case there's a code on the same day as cost containment is implemented by your employer.*** You recognize that unionization is professional (sorry Joni) *** You've ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide...getting it right the FIRST time."

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock - The (not so) Thrilling Conclusion

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.



Sep 14, 2007
The (not so) Thrilling Conclusion

Day 3, Hour 3: The journey back to my vehicle was easy as the sun had already set and I had no need to sneak through the hundreds of vehicles. All of Ikea's staff was trapped inside and I thought myself safe.........until.......

Day 3, Hour 4: I was only steps away from my vehicle when I felt a sharp pain in the small of my back that sent me to my knees!! I turned my head to see who could have been stealthy enough to sneak up on someone who had been as extensively trained as a spy as I have been......the horror of what I saw nealy caused me to faint!! The old woman in the Subaru from the freeway loomed above me with the same tire iron I used to crush her skull with in her hands!! A large chunk of her scalp was missing where I had hit her and her left eye hung loosely from it's socket by a vein. I felt my gorge rise. She swung once again, but I was quick enough to get my hand up before it smashed into my face. I heard my fingers break....she dropped the iron and took a garote wire from her belt and began choking me with it. I was able to stand, but she held fast wrapping her legs around my torso and leaned back so the wire would cut deeper into my neck. Seconds ticked away and I felt my life ebbing and the loose eye would hit me in the face as she would lean forward and whisper "Where's the beef, muthafucka?!!" over and over. I felt myself black out for a moment and fall. I came to just as she stomped on my genitals with what seemed to be the largest leather boot in the world (actually ladies size 7) and then ran away laughing.........I caught a glimpse of a pink scarf flapping in the moonlight just as she jumped on her Harley and rode away......then I cried.....like a little girl......

Day 3, Hour 6: I lay there in a daze, the pain nearly unbearable. I was able to drag myself to my vehicle and begin beating a hasty retreat. Members of Ikea's morning staff began showing up at this time and I promptly ran them over with my vehicle on their way in. Blood covered my windshield and I felt it was time to go home.

Day 3, Hour 9: Traffic back to Gresham was easy going as all the bastards on their morning commute were headed toward Portland and I was going home now. As I arrived I felt the loss of blood to be too much and I passed out as I exited my vehicle. I awoke to the sustained, agonizing meow of the cat called Big Girl. I dragged myself inside my apartment and fed her her fucking breakfast, because if I didn't I would have to listen to that damn crying meow until I did and I would rather fight the crazy garote wire lady again than have to deal with that shit. I crawled to my bathroom and took a much needed bath. The hot water soothed my sore six pack (let's just pretend, OK?) and washed away the blood and grime of the trials of the last 3 days. I fell asleep.

Day 3, Hour ???: Yeah......I sure as shit would like to know what time it was, but APPARENTLY in my haste to get the hell out of Ikea I FORGOT TO GRAB THE FUCKING CLOCK!!

Day 1, Hour 1: I have spent the better part of the afternoon packing my vehicle with supplies for this arduous journey. The Quest will test the limits of my intellegence, wit, and resourcefulness........oh, forget this shit. I'll buy it on ebay.

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

Dan's Blog Episode 13: The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

by Daniel Briggs on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 at 5:45am

Sep 14, 2007

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

Day 2, Hour 20: I find my way through hundreds of aisles of confusion as the sultry voices of the Ikea staff call to me......"Sir, do you need assistance? Sir, you'll have to put your shirt back on." I find the place where the coveted Ikea Wind-Up clock is located.....but NO CLOCK IS DISPLAYED!!! I am overwrought with anger. The website had specifically stated that the Sacred Clock would be in stock at this store!!! I quickly grabbed a staff member. "Where the hell are the clocks?!!", I scream. "They should be right here.....if you want your socks to ever match again, you're going to find me one of those clocks......because if you don't, I'm going to hit you so hard you'll go color blind, you simple bastard!!" The pimply faced teenaged staff boy stares blankly at me for a moment and then mutters, "Sir, there are wind up clocks right here," pointing to the end of the aisle. At last I gaze upon the object of my Quest in all it's glory!!

Day 2, Hour 21: It is a full hour of staring at the coveted Sacred Clock before I realize the store will be closing and I could possibly be trapped in this foul place. The young staff member foolishly addresses me, "Um...sir....do you need help.....I don't know.....like.....mentally?" Insulted by this, I remove the urine soaked shirt from my head and strike him in the face with it. He was so appalled at what I had just done that it gave me time to give him a horrible front-side wedgie and make a run for it. I was able to make it to the check out counters when I realized that the little bastard had raised the alarm and dozens of IKEA staff members swarmed down on me, much like the Persian army in that totally awesome movie 300. Because of the beauty of poetic license, the part of King Leonidas will be played by me, Daniel Briggs....only no six pack...or ridiculously large arms and chest....and I kinda walk with a limp....cause I kinda injured myself and needed knee surgery.....and I would remind SOME people that they are sworn to secrecy and to tell that story will result in severe punishment. So...if all involved parties who know the story can refrain from all douchebaggery, we will all get along just fine, mmm-kay. Glad we cleared that up. Moving on...


Day 2, Hour 23: They fell down on me in waves and I beat them back, one by one, with my shoes. Seeing a break in their lines, I charged for the front doors, running over as many staffers as I could as I went. I grabbed a mop before I exited and threw my remaining shoe at a midget who had been pelting me with left over bolts from a book case from a catwalk above the exit door. As I exited, I jammed the mop handle into the sliding door track, thus trapping the evil IKEA staff members inside. I only had moments to get to my vehicle before they found a way out!! I must hurry!!
(To be continued)

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-up Clock (part 2)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.



Aug 21, 2007



The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-up Clock (part 2)





Day 2, Hour 5: Just prior to the I-205 north ramp, I spotted a 'biking' accident (please see my previous blogs to view my feelings about 'bikers' and their accidents). However, this type of 'bike' is what the 'community' refers to as a "rice burner" so I took no particular joy in the scene. The rider was alive and being loaded into an ambulance, so I breathed a short lived sigh of relief because I really didn't want to get out of my car and play nurse on my day off......and I still had the vicious task of merging onto I-205.



Hour 5:02: I totally merged. It was totally ass-crackers cause everybody thinks I'm a cop. Cause I have a cop car. Cause I totally rule.



Hour 9: *Begin reading with sarcasm* Navigating in the Ikea parking lot is always enjoyable. *End sarcasm* The flagger traffic person is very bitter possibly due to minimum wages or small penis.....maybe both. I reluctantly follow his directions as both he and the parking lot are retarded. It has been baking outside, approaching, like, a billion degrees. I prepare for my long journey to Ikea's front doors by taking off my shirt, urinating on it and placing it on my head to keep myself cool in the heat (like Bear Grylls on that show "Man vs. Wild" on the Discovery channel...I hate that guy).


Hour 15: As I approach the front doors to Ikea, they can smell me....so I use the cunning I learned in spy school to elude the door greeters and slip past them onto the escalator. I had to push down an older gentleman to get onto it, but he was totally blocking my way and was yelling in Swedenese. I think he was maybe the owner....who used to be affiliated with the Nazis. Don't believe me?

Google it.



....to be continued....

MySpace asks me (part 2)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.




October 4th, 2008

1. How long do you spend in the shower?
Just till your Mom gets done washing my back

2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform?
A rolled up sock near his kibbles & bits....he wouldn't want the ladies thinkin' his junk ain't big cause of the 'roids, now would they?

3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield.
Dead people.

4. Name something a man might buy before a date.
Flowers if you know she's pretty and nice.
Mace if she's a psychopathic bitch who only wants you for your penis and/or money.
Effervesent tablets if she's nice but not pretty (or vice versa) so you can fake a seizure by putting one in your mouth, thus escaping the date.


5. What's another word for blemish?
"What the FUCK is that thing on your face? You got the plague or something?"


6. Something you'd cook in the microwave.
Kittens

7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving.
"The Rack". Don't ask what it's for, just help me move the fucker.

8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older women?
Inheritance.

9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner.
Why do people even own dogs? Its not like they're hurding sheep or doing anything productive.

10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for.
Paternity

11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
Fudge Packing or Turd Burgling....I'm sorry, but the boy scouts seems like an excuse for sick old men to put excited young boys in very short shorts.

12. Name a phrase with the word 'Home' in it?
Did you do your home work? No? *SLAP* You made me do that!!

13. Name a game where players loose teeth?
Cock-Blocking. You should never try to mack on some other dude's girl if he's all horny and shit.

14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
Tell the student she is pregnant with his child.....then CNN gets involved and its just a mess.

15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
Cause I effing punched 'em in the mouth!! Bitch needs to bake me some brownies!!

16. Name something found at a Seance?
.......I dunno......a bunch of vegans with daddy issues? Do I look or sound like a hippy to you?

17. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat?
Your Mom....wouldn't touch that bird with a ten foot harpoon. I thought I told her ass to make me some effing brownies anyway.

18. Name something that gets folded?
Fold you over a chair and spank your naughty ass....that's what I'll do.

19. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it.
Crotchless panties....this is too easy.

20. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
Your self-respect and dignity. You really should have been sober when you did all that midget porn.......

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 1)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.




August 17, 2007


The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 1)


This is the story of the Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-up Clock. Please read it out loud in your best snotty English accent.

Day 1, Hour 1: I have spent the better part of the afternoon packing my vehicle with supplies for this arduous journey. The Quest will test the limits of my intellegence, wit, and resourcefulness. I thought it best to pack lightly as I was running low on gasoline and The Quest would take me nearly to Vancouver, Washington. I packed a bottle of Aquafina and some KitKats....little did I know the horrors that awaited.....

Hour 4: As I turned onto Clevland avenue, I caught a glimpse of the horrors I would face. Dozens of cars roamed the road in no particular fashion. As I jockied for position, I was nearly accosted by one of the native teen pedestrians.....he looked at me with a sort of evil sneer and I was then subject to what pedestrians call "the shooting of the bird". I felt violated and challanged, but I dare not leave the saftey of my own vehicle lest I be bombarded with shootings of "the bird" and possibly have small rocks thrown at me. And so I press on acutely aware that this may be the last time I ever see my shitty apartment....also the supplies were gone.....I couldn't help it!! I was really hungry and I hadn't drank anything all day!! Don't judge me, damn you.

Hour 12: Entering the freeway on the 207th ramp was particularly difficult. I pulled up behind a Subaru with a driver at the helm who looked many years old to my estimation, but who had apparently only just learned to drive. She took to slamming on her brakes quite frequently with me directly behind her. I had nowhere to go as I-84 west bound was plugged with traffic for miles beyond sight, so I bided my time....meanwhile my gasoline meter showed scarce a half a tank.....things were starting to take a turn for the worse.

Hour 17: The frequent braking became.....well......more fucking frequent. At one point approximately a mile from the I-205 north exit, my vehicle collided with hers as a result of her slamming on her brakes due to a possible imaginary squirrel or something jumping in front of her as there were no vehicles for at least 4 lengths ahead. I quickly exited my vehicle and as she began to exit hers, I caved in her skull with a tire iron I had procured from a stalled vehicle only minutes earlier.....the man had not rolled up his windows after he stalled....the pedestrians found him.....he died fighting and I pried the tire iron from his cold fingers....so anyway I smashed the hag's brains out and stole a bag of Funyons and a Hi-C juice box from her car. This is clearly becoming a fight to the finish.

Hour 23: I gotta pee. Really bad. And Funyons give me gas, but I can't roll down my windows....the pedestrians see all....

.....to be continued.....