The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

Dan's Blog Episode 13: The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

by Daniel Briggs on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 at 5:45am

Sep 14, 2007

The Quest for the Sacred Ikea Wind-Up Clock (part 3)

Day 2, Hour 20: I find my way through hundreds of aisles of confusion as the sultry voices of the Ikea staff call to me......"Sir, do you need assistance? Sir, you'll have to put your shirt back on." I find the place where the coveted Ikea Wind-Up clock is located.....but NO CLOCK IS DISPLAYED!!! I am overwrought with anger. The website had specifically stated that the Sacred Clock would be in stock at this store!!! I quickly grabbed a staff member. "Where the hell are the clocks?!!", I scream. "They should be right here.....if you want your socks to ever match again, you're going to find me one of those clocks......because if you don't, I'm going to hit you so hard you'll go color blind, you simple bastard!!" The pimply faced teenaged staff boy stares blankly at me for a moment and then mutters, "Sir, there are wind up clocks right here," pointing to the end of the aisle. At last I gaze upon the object of my Quest in all it's glory!!

Day 2, Hour 21: It is a full hour of staring at the coveted Sacred Clock before I realize the store will be closing and I could possibly be trapped in this foul place. The young staff member foolishly addresses me, "Um...sir....do you need help.....I don't know.....like.....mentally?" Insulted by this, I remove the urine soaked shirt from my head and strike him in the face with it. He was so appalled at what I had just done that it gave me time to give him a horrible front-side wedgie and make a run for it. I was able to make it to the check out counters when I realized that the little bastard had raised the alarm and dozens of IKEA staff members swarmed down on me, much like the Persian army in that totally awesome movie 300. Because of the beauty of poetic license, the part of King Leonidas will be played by me, Daniel Briggs....only no six pack...or ridiculously large arms and chest....and I kinda walk with a limp....cause I kinda injured myself and needed knee surgery.....and I would remind SOME people that they are sworn to secrecy and to tell that story will result in severe punishment. So...if all involved parties who know the story can refrain from all douchebaggery, we will all get along just fine, mmm-kay. Glad we cleared that up. Moving on...


Day 2, Hour 23: They fell down on me in waves and I beat them back, one by one, with my shoes. Seeing a break in their lines, I charged for the front doors, running over as many staffers as I could as I went. I grabbed a mop before I exited and threw my remaining shoe at a midget who had been pelting me with left over bolts from a book case from a catwalk above the exit door. As I exited, I jammed the mop handle into the sliding door track, thus trapping the evil IKEA staff members inside. I only had moments to get to my vehicle before they found a way out!! I must hurry!!
(To be continued)