First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
Fucking writer’s block. It’s evil. It creeps into your already feeble brain and spreads like……like…..well, I can’t tell you cause I have it! Ugh.
I want to be funny. I mean that’s what this social media crap is for, right? To show off your family, pets, and all the funny shit that happens in your life. Unless you’re lame and all you ever want to talk about is how horrible your bowels/bones/life/recent surgery/alcoholic family members are doing.
So what does one do when faced with such a horrible dillema? Well the good writers go on a soul serching journey into the depths of what it means to be human, blah, blah, blah. Which is to say they get really fucking high and live with a bunch of drama so they have to express themselves through writing and then make millions when they're dead (except Stephen King; he's just going to live forever). So I'm going to try that, but with alcohol. LET'S GO!!
Drink #1: First of all, I have 3 main drinks: Beer, Whiskey (and all the mixed drinks made with it, especially sours), and White Russians. That's not to say that I won't have other drinks. Like the time from The Manor dragged me downtown Portland to Bartini and made me drink all the girly shit they could think of (Snickertini, Bananna's Fostertini, Creme Breuletini) - for the record I had a Tijuana Speedball, just cause it was the only dude sounding drink on the menu. It gets to the table and it's a basically a fucking Mudslide. See? What has nursing done to me? Oh, who am I kidding....I fucking loved that place. I was sitting on a couch in a classy bar getting shit-faced with good friends. Currently having a glass of red wine. It's good for my heart, OK? It's not like I'm watching an episode of Sex in the City while I drink it! Why do you always question my sexuality? Bitch.
Drink #2 - 4: Moving on to beer because you made me feel like a gay homosexual when I was drinking the wine 15 minutes ago. You shouldn't have looked at me with those judgemental eyes. I feel writery. Like writing. Like I could write a novel. It would be about how the government is goign to kill us becuuse of wall street and they're being greedy. Because they are! Why is it so hot in here? Turn on the air conditioner! I don't live in a thrid worled country anymore!! Wall street has air conditioning! Those fuckers.
Drink #5: Took a shot of whiskey. Who shoots jack anymore? I don't. Oh, I'm a pussy, huh? There's a reason people put it in coke.....cause it's fucking disgusting to shoot straight. Not like Pendelton. That's a straight shooter. Why do do you make bad decisions at the liquor store? Because I'm not there to set you straight. It's called "top shelf liquor" cause it's awesome AND it's on the top shelf (smart right?). And I'm really tall so I can get that good stuff for you and you don't have to call one of the people to get their little stools to get it for you. Why are you so short, anyway?
Drink #6: Back to beer. I drink Dos XX Amber. You know what's funny? Every time you tell somebody what brand of beer you prefer, they'll almost always tell you it's piss. Let's clear up the beer thing: Light beer IS piss. Everything else is acceptable as that person's taste decrees. Decrees. That's a big word. I thought of that shit, buzzed out of my gourd. What did you do the last time you got buzzed? Oh, yeah, that's right. You got pregnant, or got somebody pregnant. Nobody ever gets me pregnant. Probably because I'm sitting here writing instead of being a social person. Well fuck social! What did social ever do for me? Nothing except try to get me pregnant when I was drunk and vunderable.
Drink #7 - 8: Wine......you know Sex in the City is a pretty good show. If you're a self-centered, materialistic, white lady. Otherwise it's fucking ridiculous.
Drink #8: WHO THE FUCK ONLY HAS 3 FUCKIN' BEERS IN THE FRIDGE BEFORE STARTING A BLOG ABOUT WRITING WHILE DRUNK?! You're such a failure as a drunk writer. Drink your whiskey and shut up.
Drink #8: Whiskey. That voice in there gets really loud the more I drink. It's like reverse schitzophrenia. but in reverse.
Drink #8: Whiskey. I like it. IT'S SO WARM AND COZY. like socks.
Drink #8: Whiskeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee34qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqf24wwwwwwwwwwwwaeeeeeeer
aerrrrrrrrrrrrrrgrewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwgeaggggggggggggg5555555555555555555555555555553q4444444444444444
3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3qt
q33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333evgaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q
t34444444444444444fgt5rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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3335tg55ewawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawagqeeeeerrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttq
qerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
Ugh.......what did you do? Pour water on me?
No, man. That's drool.
Gross.
Drink # 9: Water.
The next morning.......
I feel much better. For those who care, more blogs are forthcoming. For those who don't, why did you read down this far anyway? I mean, if you didn't care then you wouldn't be here, right? Well, in that case you should check out my other blogs here:
http://behaviorsatbaseline.blogspot.com/
Or you could just read them here on the Facebook. Check my notes. Feed my literary narcissism by leaving comments.
That's right......you know you want to.....
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
Fucking writer’s block. It’s evil. It creeps into your already feeble brain and spreads like……like…..well, I can’t tell you cause I have it! Ugh.
I want to be funny. I mean that’s what this social media crap is for, right? To show off your family, pets, and all the funny shit that happens in your life. Unless you’re lame and all you ever want to talk about is how horrible your bowels/bones/life/recent surgery/alcoholic family members are doing.
So what does one do when faced with such a horrible dillema? Well the good writers go on a soul serching journey into the depths of what it means to be human, blah, blah, blah. Which is to say they get really fucking high and live with a bunch of drama so they have to express themselves through writing and then make millions when they're dead (except Stephen King; he's just going to live forever). So I'm going to try that, but with alcohol. LET'S GO!!
Drink #1: First of all, I have 3 main drinks: Beer, Whiskey (and all the mixed drinks made with it, especially sours), and White Russians. That's not to say that I won't have other drinks. Like the time from The Manor dragged me downtown Portland to Bartini and made me drink all the girly shit they could think of (Snickertini, Bananna's Fostertini, Creme Breuletini) - for the record I had a Tijuana Speedball, just cause it was the only dude sounding drink on the menu. It gets to the table and it's a basically a fucking Mudslide. See? What has nursing done to me? Oh, who am I kidding....I fucking loved that place. I was sitting on a couch in a classy bar getting shit-faced with good friends. Currently having a glass of red wine. It's good for my heart, OK? It's not like I'm watching an episode of Sex in the City while I drink it! Why do you always question my sexuality? Bitch.
Drink #2 - 4: Moving on to beer because you made me feel like a gay homosexual when I was drinking the wine 15 minutes ago. You shouldn't have looked at me with those judgemental eyes. I feel writery. Like writing. Like I could write a novel. It would be about how the government is goign to kill us becuuse of wall street and they're being greedy. Because they are! Why is it so hot in here? Turn on the air conditioner! I don't live in a thrid worled country anymore!! Wall street has air conditioning! Those fuckers.
Drink #5: Took a shot of whiskey. Who shoots jack anymore? I don't. Oh, I'm a pussy, huh? There's a reason people put it in coke.....cause it's fucking disgusting to shoot straight. Not like Pendelton. That's a straight shooter. Why do do you make bad decisions at the liquor store? Because I'm not there to set you straight. It's called "top shelf liquor" cause it's awesome AND it's on the top shelf (smart right?). And I'm really tall so I can get that good stuff for you and you don't have to call one of the people to get their little stools to get it for you. Why are you so short, anyway?
Drink #6: Back to beer. I drink Dos XX Amber. You know what's funny? Every time you tell somebody what brand of beer you prefer, they'll almost always tell you it's piss. Let's clear up the beer thing: Light beer IS piss. Everything else is acceptable as that person's taste decrees. Decrees. That's a big word. I thought of that shit, buzzed out of my gourd. What did you do the last time you got buzzed? Oh, yeah, that's right. You got pregnant, or got somebody pregnant. Nobody ever gets me pregnant. Probably because I'm sitting here writing instead of being a social person. Well fuck social! What did social ever do for me? Nothing except try to get me pregnant when I was drunk and vunderable.
Drink #7 - 8: Wine......you know Sex in the City is a pretty good show. If you're a self-centered, materialistic, white lady. Otherwise it's fucking ridiculous.
Drink #8: WHO THE FUCK ONLY HAS 3 FUCKIN' BEERS IN THE FRIDGE BEFORE STARTING A BLOG ABOUT WRITING WHILE DRUNK?! You're such a failure as a drunk writer. Drink your whiskey and shut up.
Drink #8: Whiskey. That voice in there gets really loud the more I drink. It's like reverse schitzophrenia. but in reverse.
Drink #8: Whiskey. I like it. IT'S SO WARM AND COZY. like socks.
Drink #8: Whiskeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee34qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqf24wwwwwwwwwwwwaeeeeeeer
aerrrrrrrrrrrrrrgrewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwgeaggggggggggggg5555555555555555555555555555553q4444444444444444
3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3q3qt
q33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333evgaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q34q
t34444444444444444fgt5rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr234rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
3335tg55ewawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawagqeeeeerrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttq
qerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt
Ugh.......what did you do? Pour water on me?
No, man. That's drool.
Gross.
Drink # 9: Water.
The next morning.......
I feel much better. For those who care, more blogs are forthcoming. For those who don't, why did you read down this far anyway? I mean, if you didn't care then you wouldn't be here, right? Well, in that case you should check out my other blogs here:
http://behaviorsatbaseline.blogspot.com/
Or you could just read them here on the Facebook. Check my notes. Feed my literary narcissism by leaving comments.
That's right......you know you want to.....
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