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Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
Sep 14, 2007
The (not so) Thrilling Conclusion
Day 3, Hour 3: The journey back to my vehicle was easy as the sun had already set and I had no need to sneak through the hundreds of vehicles. All of Ikea's staff was trapped inside and I thought myself safe.........until.......
Day 3, Hour 4: I was only steps away from my vehicle when I felt a sharp pain in the small of my back that sent me to my knees!! I turned my head to see who could have been stealthy enough to sneak up on someone who had been as extensively trained as a spy as I have been......the horror of what I saw nealy caused me to faint!! The old woman in the Subaru from the freeway loomed above me with the same tire iron I used to crush her skull with in her hands!! A large chunk of her scalp was missing where I had hit her and her left eye hung loosely from it's socket by a vein. I felt my gorge rise. She swung once again, but I was quick enough to get my hand up before it smashed into my face. I heard my fingers break....she dropped the iron and took a garote wire from her belt and began choking me with it. I was able to stand, but she held fast wrapping her legs around my torso and leaned back so the wire would cut deeper into my neck. Seconds ticked away and I felt my life ebbing and the loose eye would hit me in the face as she would lean forward and whisper "Where's the beef, muthafucka?!!" over and over. I felt myself black out for a moment and fall. I came to just as she stomped on my genitals with what seemed to be the largest leather boot in the world (actually ladies size 7) and then ran away laughing.........I caught a glimpse of a pink scarf flapping in the moonlight just as she jumped on her Harley and rode away......then I cried.....like a little girl......
Day 3, Hour 6: I lay there in a daze, the pain nearly unbearable. I was able to drag myself to my vehicle and begin beating a hasty retreat. Members of Ikea's morning staff began showing up at this time and I promptly ran them over with my vehicle on their way in. Blood covered my windshield and I felt it was time to go home.
Day 3, Hour 9: Traffic back to Gresham was easy going as all the bastards on their morning commute were headed toward Portland and I was going home now. As I arrived I felt the loss of blood to be too much and I passed out as I exited my vehicle. I awoke to the sustained, agonizing meow of the cat called Big Girl. I dragged myself inside my apartment and fed her her fucking breakfast, because if I didn't I would have to listen to that damn crying meow until I did and I would rather fight the crazy garote wire lady again than have to deal with that shit. I crawled to my bathroom and took a much needed bath. The hot water soothed my sore six pack (let's just pretend, OK?) and washed away the blood and grime of the trials of the last 3 days. I fell asleep.
Day 3, Hour ???: Yeah......I sure as shit would like to know what time it was, but APPARENTLY in my haste to get the hell out of Ikea I FORGOT TO GRAB THE FUCKING CLOCK!!
Day 1, Hour 1: I have spent the better part of the afternoon packing my vehicle with supplies for this arduous journey. The Quest will test the limits of my intellegence, wit, and resourcefulness........oh, forget this shit. I'll buy it on ebay.
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