IS A MONSTER RIGHT FOR YOU?
1) Are there any small children in your home?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Well, yeah, but so what?
If you answered "a" then a monster is not right for your home, if you answer anything else, then proceed.
2) Do you live next to any of the following:
a. a village of anxious peasants with ready access to pitchforks and firebrands
b. a nuclear reactor
c. a swamp
d. a beach frequented by nubile supermodels
e. a graveyard
If you answered anything except 'd', then a monster may be right for you, if you answered 'd' I need to come over to....uh...personally inspect your facilities to....uh..... ensure complete safety for your new Monster.......yup.......safety.
3) Does your home include any of the following:
a. a large basement or actual dungeon
b. access to an old sewer complex or maze of twisty passages all of which look the same
c. a moat
d. a mournful tower engulfed by fog
e. a pink plastic flamingo or cement deer
If you answered 'e' then your home is creepy enough already, a monster is not right for you. Otherwise continue on.
4) Are you prepared to provide your monster with what ever it needs to feed on, be it the severed heads of goats, maidens, rotting corpses, or the souls of unbaptized newborns.
a. Heavens! No way! Oh my God, that's awful.
b. Hell yeah, that's the best part of having a monster.
c. No, let it forge and feed itself, no monster of mine is going to be spoiled rotten by pampering.
d. I was thinking more along the lines of turning it loose on the neighbors, one, by one, by one.
If you answered 'd' then a monster is not right for you, monsters are not to be 'used' in such a crass manner.
5) Are you willing, truly willing, to deal with all of the following often overlooked components of monster ownership?
a. Many monsters can live for centuries, if not longer you'll need to make plans for them once you're gone. Is that a problem for you?
b. Many monsters act 'oddly' at different times, say during full moons, or certain ritualistic or holy days. Are you willing to calendar around such events?
c. Your monster may at times feel a need to fight another monster to the death due to some grade-B film motives that we have yet to fully understand, would this distress you greatly?
d. People will most certainly whisper about you behind your back. Will this bother you?
If you can truly answer "No" to all of the above, then a monster may be right for you. Enjoy.
Happy Halloween, suckers!!
1) Are there any small children in your home?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Well, yeah, but so what?
If you answered "a" then a monster is not right for your home, if you answer anything else, then proceed.
2) Do you live next to any of the following:
a. a village of anxious peasants with ready access to pitchforks and firebrands
b. a nuclear reactor
c. a swamp
d. a beach frequented by nubile supermodels
e. a graveyard
If you answered anything except 'd', then a monster may be right for you, if you answered 'd' I need to come over to....uh...personally inspect your facilities to....uh..... ensure complete safety for your new Monster.......yup.......safety.
3) Does your home include any of the following:
a. a large basement or actual dungeon
b. access to an old sewer complex or maze of twisty passages all of which look the same
c. a moat
d. a mournful tower engulfed by fog
e. a pink plastic flamingo or cement deer
If you answered 'e' then your home is creepy enough already, a monster is not right for you. Otherwise continue on.
4) Are you prepared to provide your monster with what ever it needs to feed on, be it the severed heads of goats, maidens, rotting corpses, or the souls of unbaptized newborns.
a. Heavens! No way! Oh my God, that's awful.
b. Hell yeah, that's the best part of having a monster.
c. No, let it forge and feed itself, no monster of mine is going to be spoiled rotten by pampering.
d. I was thinking more along the lines of turning it loose on the neighbors, one, by one, by one.
If you answered 'd' then a monster is not right for you, monsters are not to be 'used' in such a crass manner.
5) Are you willing, truly willing, to deal with all of the following often overlooked components of monster ownership?
a. Many monsters can live for centuries, if not longer you'll need to make plans for them once you're gone. Is that a problem for you?
b. Many monsters act 'oddly' at different times, say during full moons, or certain ritualistic or holy days. Are you willing to calendar around such events?
c. Your monster may at times feel a need to fight another monster to the death due to some grade-B film motives that we have yet to fully understand, would this distress you greatly?
d. People will most certainly whisper about you behind your back. Will this bother you?
If you can truly answer "No" to all of the above, then a monster may be right for you. Enjoy.
Happy Halloween, suckers!!
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