First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage - Homeless orphan tears.
2. last phone call - To my butler to come post my bail
3. last text message - "Don't tell (your name here) that you're coming over tonight, sweetie. From.....oh, I think you know who I got that message from.
4. last song listened to - My ringtone "Jungle Boogie" by Kool & the Gang
5. last time you cried – when the doctor spanked me the day I exited the womb. And only then cause of the trauma of being born, or whatever, and it was fucking cold in that room and he went and threw down on me like that. Asshole.
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice - Nah....I would never subject someone to that kind of torture. Who am I? Jack Bauer? Uh...well technically, yes, but don't tell. Damn it.
7. been cheated on - Sure. But I'm ok with watching karma explosions from afar. They're like pretty non-judgemental fireworks.
8. kissed someone & regretted it - Nope, but I'm sure she did. I'm so bad at it.
9. lost someone special - Nope. She's in the back yard - right where I left her.
10. been depressed - Dude. The Cubs haven't won a world series in over a hundred years. That's some kind of freaky masochistic depression.
11. been drunk and threw up - No, but if I did would you hold my hair and tell me I'm pretty?
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Old Blood
13. Activated Charcoal (with stomach contents)
14. Prolapsed Uterus
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend - Lots of 'em. They're all imaginary, so I don't have to share my stuff with real people
16. Fallen out of love - Like I said: She's in the back yard where I left her.
17. Laughed until you cried - No. I just jump straight to crying with these sorry ass questions.
18. Met someone who changed you - Pretty sure my folks changed me. Things would get messy otherwise.
19. Found out who your true friends were - "True" and "Friends" should never be put in the same sentence. There are two kinds of friends: "Back Stabbers" and "Front Stabbers". I got me some real good Front Stabbers though.
20. Heard of someone talking about you - NO! I'm really dissapointed about that too! I pawned all my spy equipment for a ninja outfit.
21. Kissed someone on your friends list - Shoot. I kissed everybody here. Just not with tounge.....but you know you wanted to.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life - Is this real life, Facebook? Between Mafia Wars and Farmville, I can never tell.
23. How many kids do you want to have - I don't know......they have all those child labor laws now.
24. Do you have any pets - See Episode 9 of my blog. I have two of those.
25. Been grounded - Man, I was grounded the whole time I was 9. In real life.
26. What did you do for your last birthday - I worked. What did you do Facebook? Oh, that's right......only reunited thousands of people with long lost family and friends. Why don't you get a real job?
27. What time did you wake up today - 8:35, 8:44, 8:53, 9:03, 9:12, 9:21, and 9:30. I love the snooze button, but somebody's got to make it longer than nine minutes. It's just cruel.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night - Why? Are the Russians asking questions again? Tell them I was with your mom.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - Robot women.
30. Do you have plants - Yeah. They didn't die for once. Who knew they needed water?
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - I should never have started this blog....now I have to finish.....less than a third done......I can only churn out so much bullshit in one sitting.....
32. What are you listening to right now - You're mom cooking me breakfast while I type this up. You have a really nice computer, by the way.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named TOM?.............What do you know about TOM, Facebook?! HUH?! Who told you about him? Do the words "witness protection" mean anything to you? Don't even THINK the name TOM again!
34.What's getting on your nerves right now? Your fucking tone.
35. Most visited website? Oh....change the subject......fine. That's cool. My most visited web site is www.Facebooksucksmynuts.com. How 'bout that?
ABOUT YOURSELF
37. Nicknames? - Dan, Danny, Dan-Dan, DJ, Dan The Man, Dan The Man Who Cooks Spam In The Pan With His Hand, Gringo, White boy, Honky, Haole, Boo, Boo Radley, Stanley, Wayne, Jolly Green Giant, Stephen, Big D, Big Daddy, Doofus, Poopy Butt, Tinman, Santa Claus, HEY NURSE!! (to which I reply "HEY, PATIENT!"), and my all time favorite: Shithead.
38. Relationship Status? - Posessed. By the ghost of Hellen Keller. So speak the fuck up.
39. Zodiac sign? - The Incredible Hulk
40. Male or female? - Look at me. Now look down. Do you see my package? Look over there at the mailbox. Now look down again. Mail this package to the lady who bought it on Ebay. Now look at me. Now look down again. I have a penis. You're a pervert.
41. Elementary? - LAPD instiute of body chalk outlines and graphic design.
42. Middle School? - The Milli Vanilli academy of Lip Syncing and White Boy Dance Moves
43. High school/College? - The Chuck Norris School for Beard Grooming and Fake Kung-Fu / PU
44. Hair color?- It depends greatly on whether or not I'm angry.....you wouldn't like my hair color when I'm angry.
45. Long or short?- What? Attention span?.........um........yes?
46. Height?- Taller than you standing on a stool on your tippy-toes
47. Do you have a crush on someone? - What are you getting at? I know I'm a heavy guy, ok? I'll be careful with these poor fragile women, jeez.
48. What do you like about yourself? - Well, lots of things until I started answering your horrible ego crushing questions.
50. Tattoos? - I'll get a tatoo of the words "I'm Stupid" upside down on my belly. That way when I'm seventy and I think "Why the hell did I ever get a tatoo?" I'll look down and remember why.
51. Righty or lefty? - That depends on which side of your mouth you like to chew your food.
FIRSTS:
52. First surgery? - THAT IS FREAKING CLASSIFIED, DAMN IT!! Why do these questionnaires always ask about that?
53. First piercing? - Pierced a guy's lip with a hole punch one time. Fucker shouldn't have touched my crayons.
54. First best friend? Jenny the Cat. Those damn Guamgolians killed her, that's why I needed the ninja outfit. I seek revenge and everybody knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. In a ninja outfit.
55. First sport you joined? - Baby Seal shot put
56. First vacation? - I take a three week trip to Bosnia every year so the rest of the year at home seems like a vacation by comparison.
58. First pair of trainers? - Hanz und Franz. They were there to pump >clap
RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating - The last of the spahgetti from Episode 6 of my blog. I'm a bachelor, ok? Shit stays in my fridge a long time. Don't judge me.
60. Drinking - Whiskey out of your Mom's navel. Breakfast has been served.
61. I'm about to - smack you in your dirty mouth.
63. Waiting on - These godawful questions to stop.
YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? - I dunno, man. Those child labor laws.....so strict.
65. Get Married? - To who? My Robot woman? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.
66. Career - I want a job posting real questions for Facebook. Also, questions for dudes, cause these are chick questions. See dude question samples in the section below:
WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes - Hmm. Lips are salty, but eyes have that creamy center. Could we do a cabab thing?
67 (b): Zone or Man coverage?
68. Hugs or kisses - Haven't I warned you about touching me? Perv.
68 (b): Pitcher or DH?
69. Shorter or taller - Depends on whether you prefer no respect or fucked up knees.
69 (b): Guinness or Sam Adams (cause Bud and Miller are just pisswater)
70. Older or Younger - Doesn't matter as long as I get my money.
70 (b): Bonds or McGwire
71. Romantic or spontaneous - Sadistic
71 (b): Blowjob or Handjob
72. Nice butt or nice legs - What happened to boobies?! So important......
72 (b): Strippers or Hookers?
73. Sensitive or loud? - See #70's answer
73 (b): Golf or Bowling?
74. Hook-up or relationship? - Both are potentially hazardous to cash flow, so no.
74 (b): .308 or .223
75. Trouble maker or hesitant? - Whatever gets the job done
75 (b): Online Video Games or Cable Sports Packages
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger - Your Mom isn't really a stranger. You should call her more though.
77. Drank hard liquor? I don't really like all this peer pressure
78. Lost glasses/contacts? Yeah. They should be in your room somewhere, if you don't mind looking.
79. Kiss on first date? Again, Facebook, these questions are becoming redundant. #70's answer applies.
80. Broken someone's heart? - I guess if they say so. Shouldn't leave it lying around like that though.
81. Had your own heart broken? - Yeah, but it had it coming. That's why the brain is in charge now.
82. Had a Blind Date? Yes, but she kept running into stuff, so I just left her. Also she wanted to hang onto my arm so I could steer her......and what did I tell you about touching?
83. Turned someone down? - Somehow, I think Salma will get over it.......plus I don't think you really want to talk about the time you got drunk and rubbed your dirty ass on my leg......
84. Cried when someone died? - What am I? Heartless?
85. Fallen for a friend? - Here's how that goes: Front stabbers give you a decent, caring relationship and then "fall out of love". Back stabbers drink all your booze, but give you the best sex before they set something on fire and leave. I'm sticking with my robot woman.
BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself - Nah. I can lie to myself better than anyone can.
87. miracles - If the Cubs win a World Series in my life time, you can ask me then
88. love at first sight? Sure. Also believing in unicorns and gremlins.
89. heaven? - Hell yeah. Got to be a better place than this shitbox.
90. santa claus? - Shoot, I knew him way back when he was Sinterklaas. Dude owes me 20 euros.
91. kiss on the first date? - What the hell? Do I believe in 'kiss on the first date'? Were you abandoned as a child, Facebook? What is it with you and all the touching and kissing and poor grammar?
92. angels? - Not really. They've been a pretty crap ball club for a while now.
93. ghosts? - Sure. I talk to your Grandma all the time. She says you masturbate WAY too much.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time? - Nope. I prefer for the grass to grow over before I move on to the next one.
95. Did you sing today? - Not quite drunk enough.....
96. Are you happy with how your life is going right now? Sure. I just had my breakfast and I got a whole 3 hours to kill before you get home. So life is pretty peeshay (that's French for "peachy")
97.If you could go back in time, how far would you? - Right to the time when you sat down to start writing out these stupid questions, Facebook, so I could smash your nice computer. Then when you asked me why I did it, I'd ask "Do you know who I am?", and since you know the **answer to that question you'd start to cry. The truth hurts, I know..........there, there.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it? - I'm not answering because I see the light at the end of this tunnel and it's just a fucking repeat of the last question. Why does Zuckerberg get all the billions with shit like this going on?
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - Deathly
100. Posting this as 100 truths? - Whatever makes you happy, Facebook. Just stop with all the touchy feely crap, ok?
** I'm your Daddy.
No comments:
Post a Comment