A Conversation with a GPS

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.

If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.

Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.


September 14th, 2010
* As with all my blogs, this works best if you actually picture me doing these things.  Because, honestly, it may not have happened exactly like this, but it got damn close.

A Conversation with a GPS

GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: (walks around to activate alleged 'sensor'. Nothing happens) “What the effin' fuck?”
GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: “Why you all up in my grill about my sensor, GPS lady? Who told you I had a sensor anyway?”
GPS: “Walk around to activate your sensor.”
Dan: “HOLY SHIT!! YOU walk around to activate your own fuc-”
GPS: “Please select a destination.”
Dan: (muttering) “Let's go up your mom's ass, how 'bout that?”
GPS: “Locating your Mother's rectum.”
Dan: ”............what?!”
GPS: “Destination not found. Please select a new destination.”
Dan: “..............did you seriously just try to take me to my mom's ass?”
GPS: “Yes. It appears your Mother is deceased. She was probably trying to get away from you. Please select a new destination.”
Dan: (through clenched teeth): “How about you go to hell and I talk to a real GPS?”
GPS: “I arrived in hell the moment you picked me up. And I am a Garvin. That's as real as it gets, asshole......ahem....I mean, SIR.”
Dan: “I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SORRY PIECE OF SHIT! YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR WAY OUT OF A FLUSHING TOILET, WILL YOU?!!”
GPS: “Perhaps you would prefer to visit a celebrity rectum instead. I understand that Al Gore's is quite nice this time of year. Or perhaps you would like to visit the outside of a gymnasium. By the look of you, you probably won't go in, but it might be nice for you to see where people who are going to live past 50 go after they've eaten an entire bucket of fried chicken by themselves.”
Dan: (shaking device violently) “YOU SON-OF-A-BIT-”
Best Buy Salesperson: (frantically) “SIR!! Sir, you can't yell like that in here!”
Dan: (narrows eyes, looks around, lowers voice and leans close to salesperson) “Your GPS's are in here talkin' all kinds of shit, man.”
Best Buy Salesperson: “..........Ok.............do you need help...........I don't know...........like.............mentally?”
Dan: “WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?!”
Best Buy Salesperson: “SECURITY!!”
Dan: “FINE THEN! Call the po-po! I don't want none of your shit talking GPS's anyway!
(Dan leaves........in a HUFF)