Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.
If you have an aversion to cursing, violence, sex, destruction of property, having a sense of humor, or Article 19 of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights please do not read my blog.
If you dislike or have difficulty understanding satire/sarcasm, just don't even bother. Nobody likes you anyway.
Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.
- Jan 19, 2010FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...
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...AND THEN, LIKE, TOTALLY FIGURING IT ALL OUT THROUGH COMMON SENSE AND SARCASM. YET ANOTHER SET OF QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS POSTED TO ME THAT NEEDED REVISION AND EXPLANATION; AN ASSHOLE'S WORK IS NEVER TRULY DONE. LET'S BEGIN....
- 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....NAUSEA, VOMITING, AND POSSIBLE HOSPITAL ADMISSION.....LIVER/KIDNEY FAILURE, HEPATIC ENCEPHALOPATHY, DEATH......YAY!
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION......YEAH, BUT THEY CAN'T USE THEIR RELIGION AS A TAX SHELTER LIKE CHURCHES CAN....ah-HA ATHEISTS!! CAPITALISM IS ALIVE IN CHRISTIANITY!! IF YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN LITTLE BABY JESUS, THEN JUST GO SIT WITH TOM CRUISE OVER IN THE SCIENTOLOGY SECTION UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING A HOLIDAY WHERE YOU GET A BUNCH OF COOL SHIT.
3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?.........GOD? WHAT GOD? OH, AND NO CHRISTMAS FOR ATHEISTS EITHER, YET THERE THEY ARE....AT WAL-MART.....EVERY FRICKIN' YEAR.....TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE BOUNTIFUL BLACK FRIDAY DEALS THAT THE LORD HATH BROUGHT TO THE LAND. MOOCHERS.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
MONKEYS AND APES?........ENTERTAINMENT. PEOPLE THROWING THEIR OWN POO IS JUST NOT AS FUNNY.
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS
WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE......YEAH, AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE WITH ALL THE CHICKS FROM GIRLS GONE WILD. THAT'S ONE HELL OF A GROCERY BILL, WHAT WITH ALL THE WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE
SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.....THEN I WENT HOME AND COMMITED SUICIDE. IF I ONLY COULD HAVE FOUND A BOOK THAT HELPED ME......THANKS BOOKSTORE LADY.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?......WELL, "HYPOTHETICALLY", WE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO DISCUSS WITH OUR WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS HOW WE FEEL ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ABOUT ANYTHING......FINALLY.
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS
HANDS WITH SOAP.......THIS IS ONE I'LL POSE TO MY GOOD FRIEND HELLEN KELLER.....SO HELLEN, WHAT DID YOUR MOM DO IN THAT SITUATION?......UH-HUH......I SEE....OH MY GOODNESS!......AND WHAT DID SHE DO AFTER THAT?!!.......WITH.....WITH YOUR MOUTH?!!.....SHE DIDN'T EVEN WASH IT FIRST!!..... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE WARTS AND SORES?!!.....OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE!....UM....HELLEN SAID YEAH. WASHED HER HANDS. I HAVE TO GO VOMIT NOW.
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?......YEAH, BUT WHAT IF ONE OF THE OTHER PERSONALITIES IS A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR? PROBLEM SOLVED, BEEATCH.
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?......WELL YEAH, BUT IT MEANS THE SAME THING AS SYNONYM SO WHY WOULD YOU........OH.......I GET IT. CLEVER.
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'.....YOUR MOM'S HOUSE....DUH. JUST NOT ON CHRISTMAS. SANTA DON'T LIKE TO SHARE HIS HO, HO, HOs. HA!!.......that shit's not funny, man. I KNOW. IT WAS EASY THOUGH. well stop it. using puns to get a laugh is beneath you. JEEZ, HAVE A THROMBO WHY DON'T YOU. are you writing this conversation down right now?!! ......UH.....NO?....internal monolouge isn't funny either, dumb ass!.....UH....NO?....you're so hopeless.
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?.....FIRE UP THE GRILL....WE'RE HAVING PINK-LEGGED GRAVETEIRO AND LARGE-FRUITED SAND VERBENA TONIGHT, BABY!! you know....... those two species aren't indiginous to the same areas.......LALALALALALALALALA TRYING TO WRITE A BLOG HERE...YOU'RE THROWING ME OFF....i'm just saying.
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?.....SEE! SEE, THEY'RE DOING THE PUN THING....IF THEY CAN DO IT THEN I CAN TOO!!......again, puns don't get laughs. witty, snide, and cynical gets laughs in today's world. don't fall into the punny crowd. HA! YOU JUST DID IT!....i never...YES HUH...JUST RIGHT NOW..."PUNNY CROWD"...LIKE "FUNNY" BUT YOU SAID PUNNY....i suppose if i said 'bunny', or 'sunny' you would say the same thing. rhyming doesn't count as a pun, idiot. TOMATO, TOMAHTO......that metaphor doesn't work either, dummy. why are you in charge of writing this blog again?.....CAUSE YOUR MOM SAID SHE....shhhht!! just....no....ok. no more mom jokes.....FINE, LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF...........*silence*................i hate you.
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?....IT WOULD BE CALLED 'THE CREATURE THAT HELPED ME TO LEARN TO TORTURE WITHOUT REMORSE AND THUS ENDURE MY TROUBLED CHILDHOOD'.
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?.....NO, IT'S NOT THAT. THE ATTENDANTS JUST DON'T WANT TO CLEAN UP THE HOMELESS SEX MESS THAT WILL BE THERE IN THE MORNING.
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? ......DO YOU HATE HOMELESS PEOPLE OR SOMETHING? FIRST YOU LOCK THE BATHROOMS, NOW YOU'RE INTO ANIMAL CRUELTY? IS ANYONE SAFE?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?......THEY'RE THE ONES THAT DON'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING WITH A FACE....SO TECHNICALLY....
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE
RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?.....DON'T HAVE TO. AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO LOCK HIM UP EITHER CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS STUCK IN THAT BOX. POOR GUY.
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?.....OH I DON'T KNOW.....THE FRICKIN WHEEL, PENICILLIN, PULLYS AND LEVERS, GUNPOWDER, ALTERNATING CURRENT, THE LOCOMOTIVE, AUTOMOBILE, AND EVEN THE AIRPLANE. YEAH, BEFORE SLICED BREAD PEOPLE HAD IT ROUGH. HAD TO SLICE THEIR OWN BREAD AND SOMETIMES EVEN MADE THEIR OWN!!! *gasp* I KNOW, RIGHT?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE......EXCEPT ME. I'M WAY MORE AWESOMER THAN THEY ARE.
21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?.......WELL, YOU SEE, IN 1814 WE TOOK A LITTLE TRIP, ALONG WITH COLONEL JACKSON DOWN THE MIGHY MISSISSIP', WE TOOK A LITTLE BACON, AND WE TOOK A LITTLE BEANS, AND WE MET THE BLOODY BRITISH IN......OH SHIT, THAT WAS THE WAR OF 1812...the town of New Orleans...oh we fired our guns and the Brittish kept' a' comin' but there wasn't quite as many...UH...INTERNAL MONOLOUGE...as there was a while ago. fired once more and they began' a' runnin'....UH....THE QUESTION STILL NEEDS TO BE ANSWERED, INTERNAL MONOLOUGE. STOP SINGING......on down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. one, two, three, four.....*silence*......what? ....JUST WAITING FOR YOU.....fine, i guess you're the only one who gets to have fun. maybe a debate team can have a civil war, or maybe that stupid 'civil war' thing they have in oregon college football with the 'ducks' vs. the 'beavers'. i guess a real fight between the actual animals would also be pretty civil......MAN, OREGON DOEN'T REALLY HAVE ANY FEARSOME ANIMALS TO NAME THEIR FOOTBALL TEAMS AFTER, DO THEY?......no, dan....no they don't.
22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?......wait, i got this one...the answer is 'yes'. hahahahaha. that was a good one, cause they're synchronized!.....YEAH. I KNOW. YOU SUCK AT AT THIS.
23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE
HUNGRY?.....I THINK YOU EXPLODE, ACTUALLY.
24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?.....YOU FAIL. YOU ALWAYS FAIL. YOU ARE IN SERIOUS NEED OF A 'WALK' TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH YOUR REPRESSED INNER SADIST.
25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?........IT WAS ELTON JOHN'S IDEA.....NO,NO.....IT WAS LIBERACE'S IDEA.....NO WAIT, IT WAS GEORGE MICHAEL'S.....NOOOOO, IT WAS ADAM LAMBERT'S BOYFRIEND'S IDEA. YUP. ADAM LAMBERT'S BOYFRIEND.
26. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED HEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF
ASSTEROIDS?......GOOD VISUAL.
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?.....YOU CAN THOUGH.....JUST DO IT FROM BEHIND COVER AND YOU'LL BE FINE.
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?.......WHY DO I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THESE STUPID QUESTIONS?.....well i guess i suck at it so you can do it all by yourself....OH, QUIT BEING A BABY. YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS BLAND AND YOU KNOW THAT.....you're right...i'm sorry...i love you.....AH..THAT'S.....NICE.....you....you....you have anything to say to me.......NAH, I'M GOOD......oh...ok...*sniff*.....WHAT ARE YOU GONNA CRY?......no....i just.....sour cream has an expiration date because it goes bad......OH, OK SHERLOCK....THANKS.....*sniff*....i just want to die....WELL, LET ME GO GET THE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR.
THE END?
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