The Brutal Truth About Medical Professionals (And the Crap We Put Up With)

First a gentle reminder. If you experience any of the following:
Easily hurt and/or compromised feelings
Extreme religious and/or political opinions and mentality
Diarrhea of the mouth while suffering the above afflictions
Please do not read my blog.

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Awesome blog reading discretion has been advised. Don't be mad, Boo.



The Brutal Truth About Medical Professionals (And the Crap We Put Up With)



The sound “Ka-Thunk” is one time in 300 the sound of moving furniture or dropped equipment. The other 299 times it's a body hitting the floor.



There are many truths about the human airway but none more significant than these: If you can yell the words “I can't breathe!”, or you're actually able to say the words “I'm choking!” - Yes, you can and no, you're not.







If you're lying in a hospital bed sick (not dying), insulting doctors and nurses or just having a malicious attitude in general will not get you anything faster except Ativan or Haldol. If you're dying, feel free to say whatever the hell you want; just try to be nice to your family.





Most doctors and nurses with more than a few years on the job have been called every name in the book. If you are a name caller, understand this: you would never get away with saying that shit to us in public. Don't believe me? Just find one of us and try it. Please.





There are 3 professions in life you shouldn't mess with: Law Enforcement, for obvious reasons. Food Handlers, namely Cooks and Waitresses (Just be nice to them! Don't make them put gonorrhea in your sandwich) and, of course, us. How you gonna mess with somebody that chooses the size of the needle you're about to get stuck with? Or how far the enema tube goes up your bung, or the length of time you have to wait for anything (Lab, X-ray, Doctor visit, how long you have to stay in the Claustrophobic Tunnel of Despair – aka the MRI machine)?







In a medical facility, if there is a stain on something, you sure as hell don't want to know what made it, nor do you want to try and clean it yourself.





In medical facilities, believe it or not, we eat the same shitty food that you do when you're there and we pay for it too, so stop complaining. It's really not that bad so stop telling us “I wouldn't eat this slop at home!” because you probably would and that's even if you cook your own meals at home. Don't think we don't see your ass at the McDonalds, man.





In most medical facilities (particularly hospitals) out of 5 workers, there is an average of about 20 hours of sleep between them, unless they just had a day off. I guess we're just worried about what kind of crazy shit is going to go down the next day. That's why most of us drink ridiculous amounts of coffee, soda, and alcohol.







Empathy and Sympathy are two different things. If you have cancer or are truly suffering in any way, good medical professionals are sure to try to understand what you're going through and make every attempt to ease that suffering. That's empathy. We're trying to put ourselves in your place and invoke the golden rule.........Now, if there is something stuck in your ass, first of all we know you're lying about how it got in there. Second, we (and everybody else with an ounce of common sense) knows better than to put things in our asses that aren't specifically designed for that purpose.......but we realize you have a medical need and we'll help you. That's sympathy. Just know we're all laughing at you.









Doctors and nurses and all the half way decent folks who ever worked in the medical field usually start off the same way: wanting to help people and make some kind of difference. That usually starts when we're young and full of piss and vinegar. After a while that piss and vinegar turns to formaldehyde because through the years of working to serve others, we've come to realize that many people are self-absorbed, conniving, and sometimes just plain evil. I'm not talking about kids here – at all. Not even the really bratty ones.





That being said, there's one thing that makes working like we do worth it and that's when you see a patient get better. Stronger. More full of life, proud of themselves, and thankful for our help. It's rare, but it happens. At the risk of sounding like a hippy here, that kind of stuff fills our souls, whether we know it or not. For the most part, whatever crap we have to put up with, knowing we had a hand in someone's recovery is worth all the cussin' and carryin' on some of these fools love to throw down.







Like I always say: there's a reason that everyone else gets a day (Bosses, Secretaries, Mothers, Fathers, Santa) and nurses get a whole week. That's cause we're the bomb and they (i.e. everyfrickinbody) knows it. They just need to give us better gifts or at least have the administrators put on an improv skit for us so we can laugh at them to their faces for once.
* To all my nurse peeps - please add whatever you think I might have missed to this list. Lord knows we could all use a good laugh.